Babycakes

Settling In

2009-11-29T13:43:00.002-05:00

Life these days is good.

My son, Reid, is 5 months old and lights up my life every second of the day.
My daughters, Emma and Savannah, are 4 and 2, and rock my world constantly.
My husband is incredible. We are moving into our first house in March-ish, and we are so blissfully thrilled about it!!

I am not currently experiencing any PPD per se. A little stress and anxiety here and there, but what is motherhood without those emotions?

I'm moving forward in my life...off towards other things. I hope I get to where I want to be.........

33.5 weeks pregnant...

2009-05-16T16:53:00.002-05:00

I realized last night that blogging helped me intensely when I was going through PPD with both Emma and Savannah, and that I should start again to get ready for babe #3's birth.

Reid Alexander is due to arrive end of June-ish/very early July-ish. We are planning a home waterbirth that will be attended by our midwife Eileen and our doula/chiropracter, Jess. I'm thrilled and excited and not in the least bit nervous or anxious about this birth, which is 100% different than the other two times I've done this!!!

I can't wait to see how Emma and Savannah interact with their baby brother. They are both so excited and spend a lot of time talking to and about baby Reidy. Emma was thrilled to have a dream about holding her baby bruhver and talks about it constantly.

This time around I'll be going to the chiro twice a week for adjustments, taking Omega 3's, and dehyrating, encapsulating, and ingesting the placenta - all to ward off the PPD that honestly almost took my life. I will do everything and anything to NOT go through that again.

So here's a new start...

I'm Really, Really, REALLY Bad at This

2008-11-26T09:17:00.002-05:00

Yep. I suck at blogging. I know this.

Just popping in to write that I'm about 10.5 weeks pregnant with #3 and this time we're having a HOMEBIRTH!!! We met the midwife last night and she is a dream come true!

Okay, I'm seriously thinking about just deleting this whole journal because I never write anymore. Life is just too hectic. But I'm thinking I might need an outlet in the coming months and truth be told I am still in love with the layout. :)

Fresh pics of the girls coming. Soon. Maybe.

Good bye Annie Ann

2008-08-23T20:54:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning my Great Aunt Ann passed away. At 75 she was one of those put together, fiesty, classy women who never seemed to age. It still hasn't hit me yet that she's gone.
Tomorrow is the wake, Monday the funeral, and I dread seeing Uncle Bob and all of their children (they had 7, the oldest passed away last year). I especially dread the wake; open caskets do not sit well with me. I'd rather remember Annie Ann the way she was, not stiff and....oh god. I hate thinking about this.

Jared just got back from getting wine and beer, and now we're going to sit and relax and just be together.

Long Time Gone (again)

2008-08-14T13:09:00.002-05:00

I always have the best intentions of keeping up with this blog but life (and my own mind) always get in the way.

The girls are doing well, Jared has almost completed his first semester of school (he already has a bachelors, now going back from something different). And I....well, I'm here.

I continue to struggle with PPD but not nearly as bad as before. I don't have much more to say about myself. Lately I can't bear to write (or even think) much about myself and my hopes, dreams, etc. I'm just stuck in the mommy rut, feeling like I'm not a person, just the mommy with no life of her own. Sure, I have wonderful friends and a great family and I adore my children and husband but I'm hungry for my own life separate from being a mother and wife. I want so badly to begin doula work and eventually to go to midwifery school but I have to wait for Jared to be done with school and settled into his new career first. In the meanwhile the girls are so demanding; they fight, they scream at each other, and Emma is out of control. She knocks her sister down, she hits her, she kicks her. Today she pushed Savannah down so hard that Savvy knocked her poor little head on the kitchen floor and got an imprint of the run on her forehead and a huge bruise. And I'm ALWAYS RIGHT THERE next to the girls when this happens! I can't leave them alone for even a second because something will happen. I'm so touched out and stressed out from having them connected to my hip 24/7....I just want to scream!

Savannah still isn't sleeping through the night, and it's killing me. Thank god the girls are adorable and smart and funny, for their sakes.

I'm making it sound pretty bad, but really the girls are wonderful. It's just normal sibling rivalry but it's taking a toll on me. *sigh*

Okay, I've gotta run up and get Savannah who just woke up. So much for posting pics, huh?

First Steps and Waaaaay TMI

2008-05-30T07:22:00.003-05:00

Savannah took her first steps on Tuesday! Aunt Bre is home from the UK and was sleeping over and was so thankful to see Savvy walk (waddle) for the first time. She misses the kids so much when she's gone and it has been wonderful spending time with her again. I miss my baby sister. :(

***

There is so much on my mind and in my heart lately and for some reason I'm having a lot of difficulty in expressing it all here. I'm nervous about Jared starting school again and the pressure that will be on me to take care of the girls alone for 3 days a week. I'm worried that the stress will lead to a relapse into the depression, and I'm anxious to have the next 2 years over so that we can settle into a stable, normal routine again.
I have body issues that I haven't even begun to process stemming from the tearing I sustained after Savannah's birth. To make that worse, I have guilt over feeling upset about her birth because DUH! I got my VBAC and why should I be feeling bad about it?!? But when you tear so badly the way I did, I think it changes you. It's been months and months since I last threw up in the shower from touching myself there, but lately I've been shuddering while showering and feeling uncomfortable with my own body again. I wish Elaine had stitched me up better!

The rest of my thoughts will have to wait; Savannah is up and needs some mama milk. :)

Mudder's Day

2008-05-13T07:23:00.003-05:00

On Sunday I was woken up by Savannah pulling my hair and smiling her big toothy grin, while Emma cheered a "Happy Mudder's Day!" from Jared's arms. The day was lovely, spent with my family at Mom's house. I gave my mom and sister one white carnation each in honor of the 100th anniversary of Mother's Day (founder Anna Jarvis believe that a white carnation signified the purity of a mother's love). We had a yummy dinner and huge chocolate cake then came home to put the babes in bed and then a MIRACLE happened! Jared and I sat down to watch Rendition and actually got through the entire movie without being interrupted once! And after that we had a little fun, married people style. *a-hem* =)

I'm trying to figure out how to post the video on here...hmm....

SHE JUST KEEPS POPPIN' 'EM OUT!

2008-05-09T20:59:00.002-05:00

Looks like the Duggars are expecting their 18th child. Whoopty shit.

My prediction is that this newest baby will simply fall right out when Michelle sneezes too hard.

Get Down With the Sickness

2008-05-06T12:01:00.003-05:00

In the past week or so we've all come down with colds and Emma has had pinkeye, tons of fluid in her left ear, and white spots all over her poor little throat (not strep though, just part of the virus she has). It's been a loooooonnnnngggg week!

So because I'm sick and exhausted, that's all I've got. Remind me to tell you later about how Emma took a dump on the grass at the park yesterday.

Oh My God...How I Thank You

2008-04-30T19:29:00.004-05:00

Savannah could have very well died tonight. But she didn't. And I have no clue how it is that she is absolutely unharmed by what happened. It is a miracle, plain and simple.

Earlier today the girls and I went to my parents' house to play for a bit, to escape the endless bickering that was taking place due to their being sick and cranky. (How does a 10-month old bicker? By screaming at her sister everytime that sister gets near her, and then big sis pushes/hits little sis, and they both scream. Fun).

At the end of our visit, around 5 o'clock p.m. my mom noticed that Savannah was pushing her tongue in and out, seemingly to feel her top teeth (which, apparently, she never knew she had). It was cute and we watched her and laughed and she was fine and happy.

I drove home with the girls and let Emma ride her bike around and put Savannah down on the ground for maybe 30 seconds while I ran inside and grabbed the mail key. We went for a walk and I noticed Savannah doing something silly with her mouth; it looked like she was chewing on her tongue and trying out those new teeth again. Jared came home and he took the girls upstairs to play while I started dinner, and finally about an hour later Savannah was ready for a nap. I nursed her on both sides and noticed that her latch was off and it hurt, but this isn't anything new because the new additions of teeth have made for some painful nursings lately. Once she had eaten on both sides I gave her her binky but she kept spitting it out and was really out of sorts. I laid her down and she freaked out, so I picked her back up and tried to get her to settle. She would lay her head on my shoulder then start making a weird gnashing sound with her teeth and as I held her up to look at her I noticed that there was something in her mouth. I put my finger in, expecting paper or a tiny happy-face sticker that Emma has put on every toy in the house, but instead I felt something hard. I forcefully swept my finger from side to side and out popped a rock.

I seriously almost lost it. Savannah was screaming and I was screaming for Jared, not knowing if there were any more in her mouth and basically falling apart a bit at the idea of the danger of the situation. Jared ran upstairs and we quickly found that her mouth was empty, thank God. I could not stop saying "Oh my God, Oh my God, thank You, God, thank You...." over and over again. Then I immediately burst into tears. The only thought going through my mind was "She could have died...my baby could have choked and died". If she had fallen asleep and choked we wouldn't have known. Not for hours. We don't go in and check when she's sleeping because she never sleeps for longer than 2 hours and she's such a light sleeper that any movement/noise will wake her up.

I cannot believe that this happened. I sobbed and sobbed, holding her close as she stared, confused, at me and played with my hair. Then I thanked God over and over and over again for the miracle of our tiny babe, who knows how to swallow solid food, keeping that damn rock in her mouth and NOT swallowing it. How the hell did she NOT swallow it? She had it in there for over an hour! And she NURSED! And sucked on a binky! How did she drink and swallow breastmilk and NOT swallow that jagged rock?

I am shaking, still, hours later. My faith has been restored. That may sound cheesy, but it's true.

Disappointments!

2008-04-11T09:25:00.002-05:00

We were all set to have a fun and exciting Friday...until both Emma and Savannah took a turn for the worse! Savvy was up all night long; I had to hold her through the night so she could breathe, and even then she awoke every 20 minutes or so to cough up some pretty disgusting stuff and cry about it, toss and turn for while and babble herself to sleep while I sung her the girls favorite lullabye. Emma woke up with the same cough that Sav has and a runny/sneezy nose.
This means we'll be missing out on three big things that were supposed to happen today:

1. Saying goodbye to Grandma and Papa - my parents leave today at 2pm to visit my sister Breanna in Uxbridge, England. We were going to give my parents some letters and drawings made by the girls to pass on to Bre and her love, Simon. And we haven't seen Grandma and Papa since Monday, so Emma was really looking forward to seeing her Grammy. They'll be back in 8 days, and that's a long time for us not to see them (I'm really close with my parents, as are my girlies). Even though I'm 28 and have a family of my own I still feel lonely when my mom goes away. She really is my best friend (besides Jared of course) and I love just being near her. And my Dad just adores Emma and Savannah. They are Papa's girls, for sure - just like their mommy.

2. Emma's last Rolly Pollies class of the session. I can't believe I have to make her miss this! But there's really no way I could possibly take Savannah (she's just so, so sick) and Emma is sick now too, so they wouldn't appreciate me bringing her to spread around the virus. But she friggin' loves Rolly Pollies and I'm not sure we'll be able to do another session with her for awhile. Needless to say it's been ixnay on the ollyray olliespay. We don't want her upset, so we're just pretending it's not Friday.

3. Our big potluck dinner tonight! Now, this is the ONE thing I didn't want to have to miss! We have a Monday playgroup with my best friends and their kids (8 moms, 13 kids) and our buddy Maureen (Mo) and her kids just moved and left us in January. Her husband Bryan came home from Iraq and they were finally able to be a family again! Mo has a daughter named Maddie (Emma's BFF) and a son named Luke (born on Savannah's birthday - I heard her screaming while in labor before I even knew her!). Mo and her family are in town for a visit and the entire playgroup; moms, kids and husbands were going to meet for a potluck dinner tonight. And now we're going to have to miss it. I am beyond bummed about this! If the girls are doing okay tonight I might sneak over for a quick visit with everyone. But I doubt it.

So that's what we're missing today. It's one of those rainy, everybody's sick, don't-wanna-do-anything kind of days. I think I'll make some Belgian waffles for lunch and play some Raffi. Might not sound like fun to others, but some it always makes us feel better!

Despite all this...Life is Beautiful!

2008-04-10T11:38:00.002-05:00

Poor Savannah! She developed a terrible cough 2 nights ago and has a very bad cold, sore throat, and now an insane rash from the virus (we took her to the pedi this morning). My poor little one can't sleep without being propped up so Jared slept with her in his arms in the comfy chair for a bit last night then finally settled her on Emma's play Elmo couch propped up with a couch pillow.
She was pretty funny at around 4am, though! With a fever and juts not feeling well she was acting almost delusional (okay, that sounds worse than it is, I swear!) and humming to herself and babbling and looking around so sleepily...it was so cute and funny that I didn't mind being up with a sick baby.

Jared took the day off so he's outside with Emma soaking in the sunshine. We've declared today 'National Happy Day' because we're fighting so much stress that we just have to smile and laugh it all away. (He quit his good paying job, we lost health insurance and are having to go all out to get it back, we're struggling financially until he's started getting paid from this new temp job, the girls are both sick, etc.). It's funny; when I type that all out I would think that we'd be more stressed out! But I think we've both reached a point where we can step back, realize that there is more to life than money, and thank God that we are all (relatively!) healthy and happy. Everything works out the way it should. I'm a firm believer in karma and I know we are good, kind people who help others, and that that kind of energy comes back to you.

Life is good! We have a beautiful new townhome, all the clothes and food we need, two decently running cars, a plethora of family and friends who love us, and most importantly, each other.

Annoyed / Worried

2008-04-09T18:49:00.006-05:00

I spent the entire day cleaning and cooking and getting things ready for our friends C & D to come over and they never showed. We haven't seen them in a year and a half and stopped talking for awhile when I told them we were pregnant with Savannah (they suffered a miscarriage a few years ago). They split up (I think they were close to divorce but don't really know because they didn't talk to us. They're back together now and I was really looking forward to catching up. I guess they were going to be here at 4ish and it's now 8pm and I'm getting really worried that something happened on their hour and a half drive here. D isn't answering her phone and we called their work to see if they were working tonight but they're not. I have a bad feeling about this. And if they simply didn't show and didn't feel like answering their phone or calling us...well, I just can't imagine why that would have happened.

Okay, to get my mind off of this I'll post some pics.

Emma sitting on the beanbag chair we got Josh for his 5th birthday (sitting with Bella and Charlotte, Josh's friends).

Emma and Zelda magnadoodling together in her cardboard box house. :)

Look what happened when Savannah got into the wipes!

Daddy and Emma cheesing it up for the camera.

Emmie G riding in style!

Savannah taking a ride on Josh's scooter. She loved it!!

Savvy trying out the beanbag chair. Doesn't she look like a little flower in that skirt?

My dear nephew and his mommy, my sister Alissa, celebrating Josh's 5th birthday.

It's an Emma sandwhich! Hayley and Miriam are the bread. :) This was taken at this past Monday's playgroup.

Savvy's first swinging!!! She LOVED it!!! (That's Emma pushing her).

The little flower girl on my parent's driveway.

The Business of Being Born

2008-04-09T18:44:00.001-05:00

The Business of Being Born
Synopsis:
Birth is a miracle, a rite of passage, a natural part of life. But birth is also big business.
Compelled to explore the subject after the delivery of her first child, actress Ricki Lake recruits filmmaker Abby Epstein to question the way American women have babies.
The film interlaces intimate birth stories with surprising historical, political and scientific insights and shocking statistics about the current maternity care system. When director Epstein discovers she is pregnant during the making of the film, the journey becomes even more personal.
Should most births be viewed as a natural life process, or should every delivery be treated as a potentially catastrophic medical emergency?

Jared and I got out to see a free screening of Ricky Lake and Abby Epstein’s The Business of Being Born on Monday night, and it was awesome! I’ve been wanting to see it for months and months now and it was everything I was hoping it would be. The births in the film were absolutely beautiful (I couldn’t help but laugh and smile and sigh with joy everytime a woman birthed her baby) and the audience seemed visibly moved. And what a diverse audience it was; med students and regular students and midwives and doulas.

The best part of the night was that I left with the desire to learn more, to really get the ball rolling faster on my doula training, and to finally attend births. I’ll be having my chiro/doula-mentor (Dr. Jess) over soon for dinner and to pick her brain about all things doula, and to hopefully come up with a timeline of when I can/will start attending births.

I also came away with a better realization of how each of my two births have affected me both physically and emotionally. I’ve now experienced almost every kind of birth a woman can have: ob/gyn-attended, induced, cesarean, midwife-attended, stalled labor, vaginal, VBAC, failed epidural, hospital. I am really looking forward to experiencing birth again; this time it will be at home, a waterbirth, attended by a midwife and doula (Dr. Jess). I feel that all of these experiences that I’ve lived through are supposed to be part of my life path towards helping other women experience the miracle and joy of birth. I can attend births and truly feel empathy for the women who have to undergo a cesarean, who are induced, whose labor has stalled, who think they can’t do it. I will be able to take all of my personal experience and apply it to my work. The cesarean was traumatic for both Emma and I but it has given me greater perspective on the different ways a woman becomes a mother. The VBAC was intensely empowering, and I will fight for any mother who wishes to try (and be successful at!) a VBAC. I have fought through 2 severe boughts of postpartum depression and I know the warning signs and ways to cope. I have battled terrible breastfeeding problems only to push through and develop long-lasting and truly wonderful breastfeeding relationships with both my girls. I have a wealth of knowledge and resources that I can use to hopefully be a positive influence in the lives of the mothers and babies I will come in contact with.

I am so excited to begin this new chapter in my life!

2008-04-01T07:35:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting on the couch watching Savannah chatter away and suck on a magnadoodle pen (don't worry, it's quite large and not choke-y) while Emma is practically on top of the t.v. watching Clifford. And I'm half-thinking "Why am I not caring that these girls are doing 2 things I don't usually let them?". And I'm other-half-thinking "Because that little beast woke me up every.stinkin'.half.hour, that's why".

This child neeeeeeeeeeeeeeds to sleep better. It's getting to the point where I no longer feel really bad for her when she's rubbing her ears and her mouth from teething pain; now I just sort of feel mildly concerned but mostly annoyed. And when I get broken 30-minute-at-a-time sleep I'm reduced to a crappy, grumpy, boring mom.

Like right at this moment, Sav is crying for me to come and play with her. But holy crow, child, I just wanted 10 minutes to myself and isn't your sister good enough to play with???

Apparently not. Apparently the apocalypse is happening right now. But only to my youngest child, who is screaming bloody murder.

It's gonna be a loooooooooong day.

Doula To Me One More Time

2008-03-29T19:38:00.003-05:00

So to combat feeling useless and exhausted every day, I've decided to do the one thing I've been wanting to do for a few years now. I'm going to be a birth doula (through DONA).

Yay me!

And why the hell, when I finally get a moment to myself to write about this, does the baby have to wake up? WHY?!?!!?

What It's Like (part 1)

2008-03-28T22:31:00.002-05:00

I've had a fair share of people ask me what it's like to have postpartum depression. I guess people always assume that all women who go through PPD are manic, anxiety-ridden mothers who beat their children and fantasize about drowning their kids or themselves. I have to say, in my case, they are half right.

There were times when I was manic, times when I was a great lump of anxiety and panic attacks. I often fantasized about kissing the girls goodbye, drinking bottles and bottles of wine and walking out into the river until I went under, for good. I came dangerously close to doing that, actually. Once, over the late summer, we took a trip to the river with a group of our friends and their chidlren, and I walked away in a daze of numbness, strolling Savannah. I got pretty far away from everyone and realized how easy it would be to just leave the baby safe in her stroller and sneak away, climb down the river bank and wade out into the cold water. I imagined how easy it would be to let the water wash over me, to close my eyes and open my mouth and breathe in. I wanted to be released from all the pain, so, so badly.

But then I imagined the terror Jared would feel when he discovered me missing. And in a heartbreaking realization, I imagined how the chaos would affect Emma, and in time, Savannah. I could not do anything to hurt these precious little girls of mine, no matter how much I was hurting.

And also...I finally realized how very, very sick I was. My illness was severe, bordering on postpartum psychosis. The last entry from September was written the day after I had a severe mental and emotional breakdown, one in which I suffered from stress-induced amnesia for a few hours. It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me, and to this day I am chilled to the bone at how terrifying it was to forget crucial parts of my life and be so confused about my own family members. It's too shameful and hurtful for me to explain that now, but maybe one day.

So that's what happened. Let's fast-forward a bit.

I went on Zoloft, and began to feel better. Not all at once, but little by little. Pretty soon I was okay enough to be left alone with the kids. Jared wasn't allowed to switch his work schedule because his dependibility rating was too low (due to his missing days of work on suicide watch for me). His company refused to understand that PPD is a real illness, and would not make an exception for his missing days. But it was okay...I was feeling better and could accept that I'd have to wait until January for another shift bid, when he could go back on days. At this point, I was again alone with the kids from 2pm - 1:30am.

Then he missed one day for having the flu. And come January, once again he wasn't allowed to shift bid. I was upset and stressed and had a minor relapse, but was relatively okay. I felt that I could wait until the next shift bid, in April. That was until I went to the doctor asking to have my meds increased a tiny bit. The anxiety was creeping back. And Savannah was sleeping for only an hour at a time, waking to cry and fuss and eat and give me broken, horrible sleep of no more than 4 hours total a night. Now, that kind of sleep deprivation every single night for months on end is extremely hard. (She's still doing that, more about that in another post though). I saw the P.A. at my doctor's office who told me that the dosage I was on was actually not one she'd recommend for a breastfeeding baby (by the way, Savannah is still almost exclusively breastfed, at 9 months old - more about that later on, too!). I left the office feeling like I needed to decrease my meds, so I went down a bit.

And within 2 weeks, I was having panic attacks and mood swings and a very familiar, horrible feeling of hopelessness. The day before Jared's mom came into town I had a mini-breakdown, and Jared called in to work. We knew the possible outcome of this (being rejected for a shift bid once again!!) but made the decision together that my sanity was more important. It took me almost 2 weeks to get back to feeling okay again. But by that time, the damage was done.

I'm going to have to finish this later, Savannah is awake!

2008-03-24T20:38:00.001-05:00

Some recent pics

2008-03-24T14:37:00.002-05:00

Emma fell over a ball at Rolly Pollies last Friday and skinned her poor little nose...

Emma, 28 months old, and Savannah, just about 9 months old.

My beautiful little Savannah.

So Much Has Passed...

2008-03-24T14:32:00.002-05:00

It's been 6 months since I posted here, and in that time so much has changed. I've crawled out of the black hole of PPD that I was barely surviving in, and life is better. We moved into a brand new 4 bedroom townhouse and Jared is going back to school. I'm becoming a certified birth doula, and the girls are getting big and even more wonderful.

I'll post more often now, complete with pictures of our life. Is anyone still out there?

2007-09-26T13:47:00.000-05:00

Had a nervous breakdown last night...or, whatever you want to call it. Mom and Dad came over to watch the girls, Jared came home from work. Things are bleak. People keep telling me to be happy that I have such a beautiful family...but they don't realize that I am happy. Happy has nothing to do with it. I'm also sleep deprived, anxious, and suffering from a serious mental illness. Being happy has nothing to do with this at all. Every day is full of happy moments with my girls, but is also increasingly filled with aniexty and panic attacks that are so strong that I can feel my mind cracking. That's the only way I can really describe what is happening; it feels as if I am cracking up. Like my mind is just cracking. I can't stand when people feel like they need to remind me of how lucky I am. Yes, I fully appreciate my girls and my husband, I really do. I don't need reminding. Everyone needs to accept that I am sick. Very seriously ill at this point. I realize it, and Jared does, and after last night my parents do too. What I need now is for everyone else in my life to get the memo...but none of this is their business, really. I tell who I feel like telling. Unfortunately, because a lot of people are clueless about how bad it is and what it feels like to be living through this, they say a lot of stupid things.

I had a serious breakdown last night, and it really scared all of us involved. Went to the doctor today who gave Jared's work a note to switch him immediately onto a daytime shift because I can't be left alone anymore.

I can't adequately express how bad I feel about all of this. I don't want to be such a needy person, I don't want my girls to have to deal with a sick, sad mommy, and I don't want to be going through this. But we are finally taking appropriate measures to fix this. I don't think either one of realized how bad the situation truly was until last night.

That's it for now. I'm going to rest now, sleep while the baby sleeps. Thanks for reading, whoever is out there.

?

2007-09-17T22:30:00.000-05:00

Jared went back to work yesterday. My parents came over last night and took Em out for a bit, and a good friend Andrea came over tonight.

I cannot be alone in this. It helps immensely to have someone with me.

There have been times during this past month when I thougth that I would not make it through the next week, day, hour, minute, second. I have panic attacks daily, and on occaision I have had to step out of my mind just to find myself again.

This is terrifying. This is unfair. This is horrible and intense. This is PPD.

But I have hope that I will recover. I don't know how long this will take, but I'm going minute by minute here (day to day is too overwhelming). Tasks like dishes and cooking can save my sanity, organization is KEY. OCD is kicking in and I need to have everything just as I want it the minute I want it so.

My MIL is coming into town on Wed., god help me. I don't do well with company during these times, and fear that I will feel judged. We shall see.

In other news:
Savannah has been laughing and talking for about 2 weeks now, and tries to roll over! She loves her purple Bumbo seat (a purchase inspired by the lovely Janice!) and freaks out with joy when you hold a doll in front of her face (or anything with a face on it, really!). She is an immensely happy baby and smiles for everyone, especially her Daddy, Emma, and me.

And now it is time to wash up and bring her into bed with me. I love co-sleeping; it's too bad that Emma never liked to be in bed with us. I feel like she/we missed out.

Postpartum in full swing

2007-09-04T20:17:00.000-05:00

PPD is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control and angry. I hate the urges to run out the door and never come back, to hurt myself, to shut myself in my room and hide. To get a head injury so that I might develop amnesia and forget my family and start over.

I hate the guilt I feel just for feeling those things. I hate myself. I hate that right now, as Savannah is crying to be fed, I am crying because I hate the feeling of her being on me every single hour (she's cluster feeding).

There are a million other things I hate; my weight, my anger, the world...but right now I have to go out of this room, smile, and be happy calm Mommy.

And that takes more strength than anything I've ever had to do in my life.

I'm too tired to think of a title

2007-08-26T21:41:00.000-05:00

It's been busy. Hectic. Stressful. Joyful. Blessed. We've had a lot on our minds and a lot to do lately, and for that I'm glad. There is nothing worse for me than a whole day of sitting around, left alone with my thoughts and two babes who rely completely on me for everything.

First, it was our 4th wedding anniversary on August 16th. I got him a watch, he got me a locket with pictures of the girls inside; something I had mentioned months and months ago. This is insane; the man has NO memory to speak of, yet he managed to surprise me by giving me the one thing I really wanted! Also, a dozen long-stemmed red roses. :)

It was my sister's 26th birthday and no one was going to be home (Mom, Dad, and Sister took Brother to Indiana for his first year of college). So I made sis a cake and she celebrated with hugs from her little man:

The girls have been doing fine. Emma is the smartest child I've ever known! And so darn cute, I can barely stand it!!

Here's Adam, my little brother, the night before he left for school. Oh, how I miss him. We've always been super close, and it feels like there is a hole in the family now.

Savannah is getting so big! Her hair on top is starting to grow back now, and her eyelashes are sooooo super long, just like her big sissy's!

Daddy and Emma have been enjoying building with Em's new humongo legos. See the crazy robot?

Now see the crazy Daddy! (This is SO gonna be his new myspace pic).

Emma and I have a lot of time to play with Savannah while Jared works. She's such a good big sister, always ready to hold a binky in place, get me a diaper, or give me a hug when I'm feeling overwhelmed. (And yes, we are both wearing purple). :)

We got tickets to see The Wiggles on Oct.27th, Savannah 4th month birthday! Jared and I go to see Tori Amos on Oct.24th, so it's going to be a very busy and exciting week for us!!!

Savannah is awake now....gotta run. More later.

Lame Update

2007-08-20T11:17:00.000-05:00

Lots going on. PPD is back...seeking help. For right now, Jared and I share our common mantra: "just keep swimming". Sounds dumb, maybe, but Dory from Finding Nemo (Emma's favorite movie) has really made things easier to get through. In fact, when I'm done breastfeeding (hopefully not for another 2 years) I'll be getting a tatto of those words. Also, one of each girls footprints.

Jared works 4 days a week, 11 hours a day. This leaves me saying "just keep swimming" over and over to myself during the hard times when PPD leaves me thinking I'm unable to cope. I. hate. this.

But we're getting by. I'm doing okay. Emma and Savannah are both joys and wonderful babes and make the darkness less blinding. It's not as bad as last time, only a few times of utter terror and helplessness. All in all, I'm doing really okay.

Also, going for certification from DONA, doulas of north america. Yep, gonna be a certified doula. Very exciting for me, a calling for sure. Also going for my masters in literacy in the spring, so very busy.

Okay, that's about all. Oh, random pics of the girls:

Emma's kissy face: (21 months old!)

Savannah at 7 weeks - yes, she takes a binky because if she didn't she'd be sucking on me 24/7. And at this point, that would drive me crazy. Not as in "drive me crazy" the stupid cliche, but "my PPD is coming back so bad at times that if I wasn't able to put the baby down and let her suck on a binky while dealing with Emma's toddler tantrums I'd honestly, literally be sucked down into the winding spiral of hell that I went through last time I gave birth".

Emma carrying her doll, Noodle, and Curious George. This is because we wear Savannah so often! I need to make this little girl a doll sling to match mine.

Savannah has the same long eyelashes of Emma and her Daddy, and they're getting dark, too!

Notice the little elvish ear? Just like me. :) I'm so in love.

A quick pic post

2007-07-24T22:20:00.000-05:00

Everything is fine here, and how are you?

Life with two babes is moving along nicely; everyone is adjusting, growing, and there is NO sign of PPD this time around!!! Savannah is gorgeous and her eyes are becoming the same blue of her sisters, and I am sooooo in love.

My sis is home from the UK until September (YAY!!!), here's a pic of her with Sav:

Emma's been busy playing with friends and jumping on their trampolines:

Daddy and Emma have been busy staring each other down. (haha, not).

My gorgeous girl at 3 weeks and 5 days. Happy 4 weeks tomorrow, Roo!

My First Time...and a post with WAY TMI

2007-07-15T21:14:00.001-05:00

First, some pictures to document our first weeks:
Savanahh's tiny little legs...oh, how quickly these sticks will turn into chub-bubs! (our family term for chubby legs).

Jared sits with his baby girls while I make breakfast for the clan.

Emmie enjoys playing outside with chalk!

Sweetie Roo LOVES the bouncy chair my mom got her! In fact, she's sleeping in it right now!

Sisters!

Tonight marks the first time I'm alone with the girls in the evening. My mom stayed long enough to hold Savannah while I rushed Emma through her bedtime routine and put her in her toddler bed, then I kissed mom goodbye and settled on the couch to nurse Savannah for what turned into an hour long marathon of sucking. I love those peaceful, uninterrupted nurse-athons!

Jared started his new shift at work today. From now on he'll work Sun, Mon, Tues & Wed, 2:30pm - 1am. Then he's off every Thurs, Fri & Sat!!! We are LOVING the prospect of three consecutive days to do whatever we please! We had the choice of what shift he wanted to bid for, and took this over the usual 5 days of work with one weekday off and one weekend day off (he previously was off Wed and Sat, which we hated). The days are very long and I'm still not sure how I'll manage with both kids for that long by myself, especially with the way Emma is acting lately. She screams her head off at every little thing, wants to do everything herself, and never wants anyone to touch her when she's upset. She jumps, climbs, runs into everything. She throws things and herself all over. In short, she's a toddler asserting her independence, nothing more or less than completely normal and expected. But the poor thing is also experiencing something...perhaps sibling rivalry? Whatever this phase is, it's really darn hard on both her and me. We'll get through this, but sometimes it seems impossible.

***

Okay, here's the warning. Unless you want to read about my body afterchildbirth, stop here. Really. I need to rant about the lady parts for a minute. So if you're a guy...or, well, pretty much if you're not me or a midwife of if you've never experienced childbirth and don't want to hear the grisly truth, then do yourself a favor and stop reading. NOW.

I made the mistake of looking in the mirror very closely at the lady parts. Big mistake. I tore up, not down, and now my labia is kind of just hanging there, not connected on the top anymore. I guess Elaine (my midwife) couldn't stitch it back up where it belongs because she'd have to basically stitch it to the clit - ummm...impossible. I did some asking around and some research, and I think that if I ever want to get it fixed I'd have to have some kind of plastic surgery. Not that I'm thinking that far ahead, but I am a bit freaked.

Okay, I'm more than a bit freaked. I spent 10 minutes sobbing this morning about the state of things down there. Don't get me wrong; pushing Savannah out was THE most empowering, amazing thing I've ever done and I'm damn proud of myself. But really, let's just be honest here: no one can tear their genitals and NOT think "Oh my god, when will this look/feel normal again???". Jared swears up and down that it's okay, I'm gorgeous, he still wants me, and that if I want/need it, I can get everything fixed.

Not that I necessarily want it put back the way it was, mind you. Remember, the c-section with Emma took away my right and my ability to birth her naturally. Savannah's amazing birth wiped away all the pain from the c-section, and I kind of like having the physical marks of doing that.

Okay, end of rant. Just in time, too, as Savannah is waking up and seems ready to be changed/nursed/sung to/rocked back to sleep for the night.

she's looks like a hamburger to me!

2007-07-06T11:11:00.000-05:00

last night was endless. savvy was up every hour on the hour, caught in a wicked cycle of nurse, burp, change boobs, nurse, fall asleep, wake up needed to burp/fart, poop, diaper change, nurse, etc. it was endless, i tell you!

thank god janice understands!!! wanna get savannah and charlotte together and see if their screams will cancel each other out and maybe then they'd just rest quietly? :)

in the middle of our long night, jared and i got very silly. now, usually we'd be at each others throats but it seems that every time we bring a new baby home and experience sleep deprivation we get delusional and hysterical. in a good way. at around, oh, 4am, we started cracking jokes about nothing in general. later on, as dawn approached and savannah was vacuuming out my boobs with an intensity i've never seen from her before i looked down and noted "now i understand why some animal mothers eat their babies in the wild". jared responded with a "uh huh" and "wait...what?". then, a few minutes later, i glanced at him and whispered "she's starting to look a bit like a hamburger to me!!!!" to which we cracked up and jared licked his lips. :)

yeah, that's how tired we were. you kinda had to be there. thankfully we all took a family nap for about an hour and a half, and with my parents here and outside with the girls i took a shower and now feel semi human again!!!

I'm in LOOOOOOVVVVVE

2007-07-04T11:01:00.001-05:00

Like every new mom, I am in LOVE all over again!

Here's my sweet Savvy, all bundled up and enjoying the swing!

Emma holding her baby :) She's in love, too! Always kissing Savannah and wanting to hold her.

Last night Savannah decided that she didn't want to hear anything Mommy was saying anymore, hehe.

Our good friends Kelly and Stefanie stopped by the hospital to see us during the lovely overnight stay!

Emma gave Savannah a binky and let her smell her flowers. Oh, my heart just melted!

Savannah Hailee

2007-06-30T22:33:00.000-05:00

Things here are hectic but lovely. This past week has been the hardest, most intense, most physically challenging of my life. When I think back to Sunday night, Monday night, and Tuesday night, I can't believe that I ever doubted that I was in labor. I'm so glad that we trusted our instincts on Monday and left the hospital, because I did a lot of hard labor work in the privacy of my own home overnight while Emma slept.

I'll write out the birth story soon. Savannah's birth was the most empowering, amazing thing I've ever experienced. I felt strong and in control, and it was the birth of my dreams. I pushed for 20 minutes only, when I felt the urge, without anyone yelling PUSH in my ear. Instead, my midwife and nurse stepped back after a contraction was over, talked quietly to each other, and Jared held my leg and encouraged me. When I felt another contraction building I was the one deciding when to push - so empowering! It was incredible; to feel that tiny baby coming out was the most exhilarating moment of my life. When her head was out (big relief!) my midwife said "Okay Jared, you're up!" and his hand, holding the camera and documenting Savannah's journey into the world, trembled. It was so touching, I couldn't help but cry. And when they placed her on my belly, everything was right with the world. All the pain and trauma from Emma's cesarean disappeared. I finally got to know what it was like to birth my baby.

And without further ado, my Savannah Hailee. More pics to come!

Our first day home; Savannah and I rest after our long journey.

Emma holds her baby sister for the first time!

2007-06-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

After three continuous nights of hard labor that stopped in the morning, I had my miraculous VBAC yesterday afternoon!

Savannah Hailee was born at 4:37pm after 20 minutes of pushing, into her Daddy's waiting hands! We are at home now and so happy to be back with Emma!! Birth story and pics to come!

At my limit

2007-06-26T01:15:00.001-05:00

Went to the hospital this morning after hours and hours of regular, intense contractions. They stopped when we got there, leaving me very upset. My midwife came and checked me - 1 cm, swept my waters and sent us walking for an hour. No change in contractions, now 1.5cm. She strongly recommended that we stay and induce, but I wasn't having that. I want to do this on my own.

I've been up for three days straight, not sleeping, having horrible night contractions. Tonight I have reached my limit. I cannot do this anymore. Every contraction rips right through me, and I'm panicking. If we were at the hospital right now I'd be begging for an epidural and wouldn't fight pitocin.

I can't make it through this anymore. Three days straight of contractions, but two whole days of really no break....I just can't get through this.

Pray that we make it through, that Savannah comes quickly and without any problems, that we don't have to have another cesarean, that I can do this. I know I can...but I'm so sleep deprived and laying down just produces contractions that are not manageable, and I'm ready to pass out and throw up from exhaustion and pain. And all I can do is sit here and let Jared get sleep and try to make it on my own.

Please please please let this all be over soon.

It's Official:

2007-06-22T18:22:00.000-05:00

This baby is never getting out.

sobs of frustration

No Baby, No Cry

2007-06-15T21:40:00.000-05:00

I'm a really crappy blogger lately - sorry, it's not because I've had a baby, but because I haven't. I'm cranky and exhausted and ready to pop, unable to walk or stand or move or do anything without something hurting or getting dizzy. Now I remember why I was so ready to be induced with Emma; because the end of this journey can sometimes suck.

Not that I'm taking it for granted. Never. But all the same, I'm hormonal and due freakin' tomorrow and no baby in sight.

Well, just wanted to update for Sara! :) No baby yet, but I will post as soon as she's born. Well, you know, as soon as I can after we get home.

Wish me luck! I see castor oil in my future.

Things Left

2007-05-29T09:39:00.000-05:00

While I'm at the computer and making lists anyway, here's a note to myself about what we still need: (I think I'm trying to kick my butt into gear about getting out and getting some of this stuff knocked off the list!!!)

*Co-sleeper (I hate the bassinet)
*Cloth diapers (we never got around to getting enough. *grr*)
*Glider/ottoman (old one isn't wide enough for nursing)
*Lanisoh (spelling?); nipple soothing cream (can't remember which brand I liked better last time...will get a variety as needed)
*Nursing pads
*Nursing stool (some kind of something that I can put my feet on while nursing the babe)

I think that's it for big stuff. Of course, I'm going to need to stock up on diapers for Em and Savvy if we don't hurry and get some cloth soon - because there's nothing worse than running out of diapers.

While I'm at it, here's the hospital bag list: (everything in red needs to be bought)

*Receiving blanket & clothes for Savannah (packed already)
*Clothes for me:
*Nursing nightgown/ shirt (still need to find a comfy one that I'll be okay to wear in front of company!)
-underwear
-nursing bras
-socks
-some comfy pants (black drawstring, tan capris)
-maternity t-shirts (white, maroon & long-sleeved purple one)
*Toiletries:
-makeup
-hair brush
-travel stuff (toothpaste, soap, shampoo & conditioner, deod.)
-toothbrush (need to get a new one)
-hair rubber bands
-chapstick
*Miscellaneous:
-quarters & change for vending machines
-cell phone & charger
-digi cam, batteries & charger
-video cam
-phone numbers (if not in cell phone directory, put them in NOW!)
-picture of Emma (yes, I realize this one might make me upset at times because I'll be missing her so much, but I don't think I can make it without one)

I guess that's it. I know they have diapers and stuff at the hospital for Savvy, and with Emma we waaaay overpacked. So this is actually a very short list. If I need anything else, I'll have my mom bring it up.

Okay, enough with lists. I have to get this place clean! (So I'm nesting, sue me!)

Back Down Again

2007-05-29T09:19:00.000-05:00

Thankfully, Savannah has gone head-down again. According to the sono we had on Fri. she also has a full head of hair, just like her sister did!

I don't know why I haven't been posting lately. I guess my head is too noisy and I can't shuffle through the growing roar of worries and thoughts to pick out anything that would make much sense. I'm trying to focus on quieting these invasive "what if" thoughts and just invisioning a peaceful, happy birth and a quick recovery afterwards.

Yesterday we put the bassinet up again and Emma had a real breakdown. I held her baby doll and pretended to nurse it, burp it, swaddle it, and put it in the bassinet for a nap. Well, Miss Em was having NONE of that! She was really upset, crying and shaking the bassy and saying "No! No!" and trying to climb in. *sigh* It's going to be a bit of a circus around here for awhile, I'd say. She's showing signs of jealousy whenever I hold another child (we were at our friends house yesterday for a bbq and when I picked up her best friend Zellie, Emma had a fit) and even gets a bit upset when I play with her cousin Josh. We know that this time around will be different in so many ways, because we're not just bringing a baby home, we're bringing a new kid onto Emma's turf. I don't know how she'll handle it, but I know that my sweet girl will adjust eventually.

This post is so random, I might as well just keep on going with whatever thoughts flow.

I've been meaning to write something about a tragedy that has struck Sam, a friend of mine from online. Her darling son Kevin passed away last week (I don't know the cause of death, and that's not important right now anyway). I found myself huddled in front of the computer sobbing over pictures and a video of him that Sam posted on her journal, and praying that she's okay and that her other wonderful children are okay as well. I can't imagine...I don't want to imagine...and yet, when you're a mommy you can't help but imagine. What would I do if we lost our Emma or Savannah? Emma, my reason for living, the light of my life; we've had 18 months of joy with her and she is at the center of my every thought and action. And Savannah, this wonderful little Roo who was such a surprise; we have so much to learn about her, and she has so much potential and I can't wait to see who she is. My children, my girls...what on earth does a mommy and daddy do when their precious one has left them? Janice comes to mind, and her sweet Abby Angel. Janice and Sam and Kelly, a friend from elementary school who lost her son last year...mommies who should never have to face that kind of heartbreak.

These are the thoughts that swim in my mind when I can't sleep at night; that these amazing women have to live each moment with a piece of their heart forever gone. I can't imagine. I don't want to. And yet, because I am a mom, I can taste the fear and the sorrow in the back of my throat.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to pack the hospital bag a little more and make some lists of last-minute things to pack for our bag and for Emma's bag (she'll be staying with my parents). I wish I could just give birth here at home in a tub, but it's just not an option. Perhaps with the next babe it will be.

I seem to have run out of time.

Breech. Yay.

2007-05-17T23:09:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I felt the excruciating pain of something happening within me. At first I thought that I had gone into labor and completely skipped early contractions, going straight for the ones that make you writhe off the bed, unable to breath.

Then I realized that Savannah had turned a complete 180 within me in a matter of seconds. Oh god, she has gone breech. A trip to the midwife yesterday confirmed it. They had no real suggestions other than "visualize the baby being head down". Um...thanks, &*#!. I got more information from Dr. Google, thankfully. Stuff like:

*Rock on all fours
*Do downward facing dog (yoga)
*Place frozen peas on top of belly and heat on bottom to make stubborn baby turn towards the heat
*Shine flashlight at bottom of uterus so that baby moves that way
*Have hubby talk into an empty paper towel roll directly onto the lowest part of your belly (again, to make baby move her head down there).
*Play music to lowest part of belly

Of course, during my midwife appointment I immediately said "I'm calling the chiropracter in the area who specializes in the Webster Technique of getting babies to move head down". Midwife had no clue what I was talking about. Ummm...are you actually a midwife? Are you sure? Because midwives usually know all the alternatives to traditional prenatal care and medicine. And you, ma'am, have done nothing but tell me that NO doctor within a 500 mile radius would ever consider helping me birth this breech baby vaginally due to my history. Oh yeah, you also knew nothing about chiropractic care that could help Savannah and I. And you even managed to put in a dire warning that if the chiro tried to move the baby with an external version she needs to know that I have a cesarean scar. Uh...duh.

Needless to say, I followed my own mommy intuition and called the chiro as soon as I stepped foot into my mother's house yesterday (we went there right after the midwife appointment). Well, first I cried some very pitiful tears, but then I jumped on the phone and called a husband/wife team of chiro's who specialize in the Webster Technique. I got in to see Dr. Jessica today at noon, even though I've had a phobia of chiropracters all my life. I can't even stand it when Jared cracks his knuckles! I couldn't possibly believe that I would ever be able to let someone crack my spine!

And yet today, when I walked into the office (a converted house) I was completely at ease. The husband was outside planting flowers and mulching, the receptionist went to the same college that Jae and I did (we had mutual friends, turned out), and the doctor I saw was a smiling, bubbly mom with her 3 year old in tow.

She listened to my concerns, adjusted my back, neck, pelvis, hips, etc. all while her daughter came in and out. It was a lovely, homey atmosphere and I was totally at ease. In fact, I loved it! She said that it feels like the baby has ample room to move around, and that Savannah will be an "easy turn". The best thing about this Dr. Jessica? As she was massaging my belly she spoke to Savannah as if she was a person, not just a fetus (I hate, hate, hate that word!). No other health care practioner has ever done that for me or my baby, and it felt wonderful to hear her saying to Savannah "Come on, sweetheart, you want to move down, don't you? I'll help you out - such a good girl!". My heart melted. Someone else was understanding that this tiny creature inside of me is in fact a real baby with real feelings who can hear us!

I go back next week (tues/thurs) and continue every week until Savvy moves head down. I know that this work (this combined with all the work I'm doing on my own). We will have the birth we need. And we may just hire Dr. Jessica to be our doula. I'm that impressed with her.

Still Here

2007-05-12T07:56:00.000-05:00

Still pregnant, still here. 35 weeks today - can't believe this is almost over.

I love you, little Roo. Stay warm and safe in there for just a little while longer!

7 weeks to go

2007-04-26T20:58:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I've been so boring lately. Oh well, with 7 weeks to go my mind is elsewhere.
Savannah squirms around all night long and it's getting harder to get comfy in bed. I'm a wreck and breakdown over the silliest things, and Jared swears that I was just like this with Emma (although I can't remember!).

I find myself retreating into my own mind more and more, wanting peace and tranquility and everyone to leave me alone. I want time alone with Emma more and more because I know that once Savvy comes I will be spending countless hours nursing her and caring for her. I don't know quite what to expect with 2 babes under 2 years old, but I know that it will be a challenge.
I guess that's all for now...this blog has become the most boring it's ever been, but I just don't have the energy to explain these wandering thoughts of mine. I'm slowly becoming the person I was meant to be and it's exciting and thought-provoking to figure out my place in this world. I'm a mommy and a wife and an advocate for so many things, and I'm finally feeling very comfortable in my own skin. At last.

We've been a very busy family; with Rolly Pollies (gymnastics) on Fridays and swimming on Thursdays and many trips outside to play, our world has revolved around fun for Emma this month. We spend a lot of time with my family playing with Josh because we know that once Savvy is here it's going to be a little while before we can devote enough attention to him again.

Here are Daddy and Emma roaring at Mommy from the dino! Emma loves dinosaurs (she takes after her obsessed Papa!) and picked out her favorite shirt to wear today: a red shirt with a green T-Rex riding in a monster truck. Yeah, it's definitely a hand-me-down from Joshie!!

One of the favorite activities at Grammy's house is having a parade around the kitchen island. Here are Josh and Emma having so much fun while Mommy makes them stop to say cheese:

I think I posted this before (maybe? who knows, I'm too lazy to look), but it's worth repeating. My silly little girl looking very much like the toddler she is. Oh, how I adore that little face and that sweet, funny, forced grin for the camera:

One of my favorites; Emma smelling the flower she had picked for me. I am truly blessed:

2007-04-23T11:54:00.000-05:00

This pregnancy has been much more difficult than my last. I tire more easily (running around after a toddler is killing my hips) and am having more frequent braxton hicks. I'm sleeping poorly and am an emotional basket case, often getting into arguments with my husband for no good reason. I cry constantly and lose my temper with Emma at night (mostly when she's cranky and ready for bed and I'm trying to run around to get everything ready for our bedtime routine by myself - this is the time when I really need help).

On top of it all are my constant worries about this labor and birth, and weather my rights and choices will be respected this time. Jared already knows that if I birth vaginally (which I WILL! I WILL!!) he is to scream "GET THE HELL OUT!!!" if anyone even attempts to come into our room while Savannah is being born (other than our midwife and nurse, of course). He knows that if I have to be cut open again, the doctor MUST BE YELLED AT to show ME the baby first - and Jae also knows to be standing right next to the nurse while she cleans Savvy up, so that he can make sure NOTHING is injected or slathered into her eyes (the hospital will allow this, but they'll be calling CPS to let them know. Whatever.). He knows to bring Savvy to me ASAP and help me nurse her while I am being stiched up, regardless of what ANYONE says. Because, really, this is our child, and we have final say in everything.

I can't sleep for worrying about all of this. All of this and more...

Like what will Emma be thinking and feeling when we are away from her overnight for the first time? Will my Mom be able to comfort her enough and get her to sleep? Will she be okay without us? How long will I have to stay in the hospital? (This time, I know my rights and know that I can check out with Savvy as soon as a pediatrician clears her).

My mind is never calm, never quiet these days. I need rest.

2007-04-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

I miss my husband. He's only at work, only gone for a few short hours more, but I just want to hold him and thank him for being my everything for the past 8 years. I could never have gotten this far without my sweet Jae.

Busy Bees

2007-04-10T21:29:00.000-05:00

Life doesn't stop simply because you're exhausted and can't get out of bed without struggling to scoot to the end of the mattress and then limping because you've been up half the night with leg cramps that leave you unable to walk normally. That's the lesson I've learned in the past few weeks!

We've been busy living life and enjoying the time with Emma before Savannah is welcomed into our family. I keep getting a sense of urgency to make the most of Jared's days off now because once Savvy comes, we won't be able to just pick up and go as easily as we can now. Wow, I can't believe that I just said that picking up and going is easy! It was a snap before kids, but with Emma it's gotten a bit trickier. There are naps and meals to plan and a bag to pack and a wiggly girl to wrestle into a coat and mittens and a hat. It's really anything but easy, but put into perspective of having a newborn, this Emma stuff is simple!!

Our darling nephew Joshua turns 4 on tax day and we will celebrate his birthday on the 14th with a Spiderman/Pirates of the Caribbean themed party (he chose Pirates decorations and a Spidey cake. My mom was about to return the decorations when I reminded her that he chose them himself, and that we've been talking about a Pirates birthday for a month now. So what if the decor doesn't match the cake? He's 4 for crying out loud, and it's only family!).

We've been spending loads of time with Joshie but he's very aggressive lately and I have zero patience left for anyone (that's what happens when you're 30 weeks pregnant and chasing a toddler all the time I suppose). We did happen to have some fun reading the bunch of new pirate books Papa brought home from school, though:

Also, the girl (woman, I suppose) who introduced me to my lovely husband came for a visit last week! Tiffany and I lived together for about a year and a half in college and were very close after meeting freshman year. She and Jared were music majors together and we (plus a bunhc of others) were a tight group of friends throughout college. She is now married to the wonderful Jeffrey, living in N.C. and teaching Kindergarten. Words can't describe how thrilled I was when they pulled up to the house. We hadn't seen each other in about 5 years and the tears flowed freely. I miss and love her dearly. Here we are on the couch: Jeff, Tiff, me and Jared:

In other news, Emma has shown a funny little interest in accessories lately. She puts on her fuzzy pink snow hat constantly, and often wears it for meals:

She also frequently asks to wear one of my necklaces and her purple crocs. I don't know where she learned to be so girly, 'cause her mommy is barely getting a shower or putting on matching clothes daily!

Emma and Josh enjoyed the one day of 60 degree weather we had by playing outside the entire day. Emma was really interested in Josh's drinkable yogart but totally disgusted when she tried it:

We went out to breakfast with our friends Derek, Lisa and Zelda last Friday and then popped over to the Blvd. mall to see the Easter Bunny. You won't find any pictures of Em with the bunny, however, because the second we put her on his lap she had a nervous breakdown. When I tried to remove her from his lap ("save" her!!!) the bunny wouldn't let go; I guess they're trained not to let wiggly children fall off of their laps. But since my child was screaming and reaching for me and I was attempting to save her from the evil bunny rabbit of doom, I didn't want the dude to keep her on his lap. I had to say, loudly, "Let go of her please!" and then shout "Let her go NOW!!" before he let go his death grip. It was very traumatic for Emma (smirk). In order to make her forget about the bunny, Daddy and Derek took the girls on the horsies while Lisa and I took pictures:

Easter was not my favorite holiday of Emma's life. Jared had to work all day long and so this is the only family picture we got of the day: (excuse my no-makeup and crappy pjs).

Daddy and Emma enjoyed finding Em's basket (hidden in her new toybox). See the bib she's wearing? I told you about the new obsession with putting on random accessories/items of clothing! This one is a bib Aunt Bre got her in Paris:

Mommy helps Emma sip out of her new bunny cup:

Emma wore a pretty pink dress and bunny ears to Grammy and Papa's house, and was a hit:

Today my friend Kelly came over with her son Joshua for a playdate. Here are our munchkins lying on Emma's Elmo pull-out couch. They had a good time:

Emma's new toybox box was turned into a fort, and Josh and Emma poked their heads through just before ripping it down:

As you can see, it's been busy. There's a ton to talk about but my back is killing me and I have to sleep. That's all for now!

Sickening

2007-03-28T19:53:00.000-05:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070328/ap_on_re_us/abandoned_babies

I can't even form a functional sentence describing my emotions about this. Read it for yourself.

Fighting For Her

2007-03-27T20:43:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the busiest times are the ones when I don't have much to say. It's been a busy, stressful few weeks. I've met with 3 different midwives and one ob/gyn (for a VBAC consult), have attempted to contact 2 different hospitals about our wishes about Savannah's birth, and have beaten myself up over my body's inability to birth Emma in a way which would allow me to birth Savannah at home with no extra risk.

The rest of this entry is going to be a very angry, venting one. Just so you know.

Our desires for this birth are as follows:

*To birth Savannah at home (which is not going to happen, as midwives aren't "allowed" to attend homebirths in NY). Also, the risk of uterine rupture due to my cesarean with Emma has made both Jared and I uneasy, despite our great desire to birth this little girl in the safety and privacy of our own home.

*To labor at home with Emma here with us as long as possible, then drive to the hospital and finish laboring naturally there.

*For the idiotic nurses and doctors to leave my baby girl ON MY CHEST after the birth, allowing only Jared and I to touch, clean, and attend to her. I will enforce this.

*For the sonsofbitches nurses to NOT put blinding ointment in my daughter's eyes (because I do NOT have STDs, dammnit!), or inject her with Vit K or Hep B. She will not be at risk of excessive bleeding and my breastmilk will give her all the Vit K she needs once it comes in. Also, I'm not going to let any IV drug users or whores near my child, so the Hep B is useless.

We are in the process of seeking legal counsel from a very good high school buddy of mine regarding these things. It's been very stressful and at times I just want to kill someone. Savannah and Emma are our children, not the hospital's or the government's. We have every right not to accept these invasive, unnecessary things without having to jump through legal hoops! We are angry, we are frustrated, and we are growing more and more pissed with each passing day.

I emailed the hospital I gave birth to Emma to about all of this and instead of contacting me they called our pediatrician! She called us and attempted to "teach" us about the necessity of the newborn screenings and injections. We basically told her that we know everything and that it is OUR choice, not up to NYS or any meddling nurses.

*sigh*

I'm getting really upset talking about this. That's the summary of what's been going on. We're fighting with outsiders about the wellbeing of our children, and it doesn't feel good to have to explain myself all the time. I do the very best to keep my daughter healthy and happy and safe. And I will not be convinced to do things that I am opposed to.

Still Here

2007-03-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

We've been busy, so no posting. Here's a rundown, bullet form, of what's been keeping me away from the computer:

*Family
*Friends
*Life

:)

I attended a MOP event at a local church (mothers of preschoolers, I believe it stands for) and had a very nice time. I went with a friend from high school and saw a few other people I knew. I think I might branch out and join, actually. My faith could use it.

Emma and I recovered from the flu and have been busy playing with our friends and going to swim classes twice a week. She LOVES the water and had a blast tonight at our first evening class. It's run by an elderly woman named Grandma Bea, who sings with the children and does all sorts of neat activities to get them water acclimated. Our friends Tyler (with his mom Stefanie and dad Chad), Josh (with mom Kelly), Mirium (with mom Debbie and dad Jim) and Haley (with mom Rachel and dad Matt) were all there tonight and we had a blast! I'm obsessed with being in the water because it's the only place where my joints don't ache and I feel light and free of this ever-growing body of mine.

Speaking of this body...

I saw a midwife today to see if she was the right fit for me, and she 1,000,000% ISNT. She had me in tears with all of her VBAC warnings, and then when she went to do a pelvic exam she was too busy talking and chatting about nothing that she didn't even tell me when she was going to begin. I have never had such a painful exam ever! She literally thrust the darn speculum in with no warning and then muttered a pathetic "oh, sorry if that hurt" a few minutes later. (Gee, perhaps it was my gasp of pain that tipped her off?). She was just unprofessional and a bit creepy, so I'll be seeing new midwives next week and in the meantime I'll get some blood drawn and talk to my Nina about what on earth to do.

My nephew has dental surgery tomorrow and I'm a mess about it. I'm just praying it goes quickly and smoothly and my poor little monsteroni makes it out okay.

Debbie, Lisa and I will probably go to a "natural baby/birth" store tomorrow to look at slings and other products, and I'll get some info on their hypnobirthing classes (yay!). My parenting philosophies are beginning to affect my life philosophies and for that I'm very glad. I'll go into more detail about this at another time, but for now I have to get to bed.

No More!

2007-03-07T21:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was hit by the same virus that Emma had. I spent the entire night hanging over the toilet or crouched on it moaning, praying that Em would just GO TO SLEEP! To top it off our neighbors were extremely rude and loud, so at one point I ended up shouting "Will you people shut up already?!?!" at the top of my lungs and then collapsing into sobs on the couch. It wasn't pretty, but hey - I was a mess of puke and other stuff and my babe would just not sleep (thanks to the loud old ladies downstairs who are both deaf and watch TV on the highest volume every night from 8-10pm, keeping Emma awake).

Anyway, last night was misreble. I got up about twice an hour, every hour, until 7am to go to the bathroom and spent most of my time in there quietly crying. Yes, it was one of those horrible stomach viruses, the kind that leave you huddled up and wanting your mommy. Jared finally returned from work at 1:15am and tried to take care of me, but I was so misreble I couldn't even respond to him. Emma woke up at 7 am and I had only gotten about 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I watched Buffy (a guity pleasure!) and it put me back to sleep until almost 10am. The rest of the day was spent in agony because for some reason every time I get a stomach virus/flu I shake uncontrollably and my back/spine/ribs hurt like madness the next day. I'm not sure if that's actually the reason why they hurt, but I have no clue what else could be causing this! I had to sit up straight to not be in pain, and even now I'm avoiding laying down in bed because it just hurts too much.

Okay, I'm going to be creative and prop myself up with pillows because I can't stay awake any longer. Cross your fingers I never get sick like this again.

Just Random

2007-03-06T11:03:00.000-05:00

I think I mentioned that our college buddy Pat came to visit on Saturday. Here are some pictures of our visit:

Emma grabbed Pat's glasses and he was able to catch her in mid-nerd pose. My cousin Erin calls it the "I'm allergic to peanuts!" pose. She's very mean about the whole allergy thing, my cousin (but in a joking way). She swears that our child will be taunted in school for having a peanut allergy. (I think she's nuts).

Emma and I rocking in the 18 year old glider. My butt falls through the bottom sometimes.

Erin and I were told to pose for the camera; I was being her, she was being me. Hmm...not too flattering to me, huh?

The men decided to shout out pose ideas, this one being the "imagine you've just been sent through to the Hollywood round of American Idol!". Apparently my cousin is turned on and my husband is terrified. Emma couldn't care less.

The only smiling picture of everone (l-r: Pat, me, Erin, hubby Jared, Emma). You know, just in case you couldn't tell from the other pictures).

Everyone is feeling better here. Emma's hiney has been dotted and spotted bright red and looking very much like it was going to burst into flames (honestly, I thought it was going to bleed) and nothing worked. Not A&D cream, not desitin, not airing it out, nothing. That was until Jared rushed to the store for some Boudreaux's Butt Paste. I was a bit skeptical until I changed her this morning and found the rash almost totally gone. Well color me amazed! Butt Paste now sits on the top of my "Couldn't make it through the baby years without this" list. Really, I actually have a list. It also includes Baby Einstein puppets and DVDs (DVDs only to be used when baby comes down with double ear infections and wails for hours in agony) and a nursing stool. Which I don't have but will by the time Savannah comes.

Off to shower, eat, rest, lather, rinse and repeat.

Fever Sets In

2007-03-04T06:16:00.000-05:00

(continued from below)

After she threw up curdled milk onto my lap Emma put her little head down on me and just looked up at us with dazed, tired little eyes. She finally seemed comfortable, and Jared grabbed clothes, diapers, wipes, a musty sleeping bag, and the sort of clean comforter in the back of the linen closet. Somehow we managed to change her, bundle up the blankets, re-make the bed with the sleeping bag on the bottom to act as a waterproof barrier against any other mishaps. All the while Emma was just lying on my chest in a deep sleep.

It didn't last long.

She couldn't sleep laying down (it seemed to make her tummy hurt worse) so I had her propped up on my pillows...but since my belly takes up much more room and my back kills me every night, that position didn't last long. Jared sat up and tried to hold her but had to move into the living room. Actually, I told him to get out because I had to get some sleep so that we could switch later on, but didn't end up falling asleep until 6-ish. Meanwhile, Jared got Emma to sleep in her crib and he fell asleep in his boxers on the couch with no blankets. Freezing cold and exhausted.

I woke up around 9 to a screaming Emma, thinking "Why the hell isn't he getting her?". I just thought he was still holding her, so I was pretty surprised to see her in her crib, tossing and turning and misreble. We went into the living room, woke Daddy up and sent him to bed (after getting diaper changed/an apple and toast/tylenol). Jared slept until almost 1pm and I actually got Emma to sleep on her little Elmo couch while I devoured a bowl of raisin bran and watched the MTV marathon of America's Next Top Model. I hate that show. I think my brain was temporarily comatose.

I had to call for Jared to wake up a little later because Emma was starving and burning up but wouldn't let me put her down or even move off the couch. Her temp was 102 under the arm and she had some white spots on the insides of her cheeks. Thankfully the doctor let us know that it was all okay and normal.

We spent the rest of the day cleaning and airing the place out, and when Emma woke up from a later nap she was suddenly back to her old self! JOY!!!! Our friend from college, Pat, was in town visiting my cousin Erin (they're buds but she swears nothing more, which is disappointing because they rock as a couple) and we decided to go ahead and have them over for pizza and the game. (The game being the Sabres, of course. What other game matters?). Emma burst into tears as soon as Pat stepped in the door (she is very afraid of strange men) but quickly warmed up to him when he showed her his softer side. We all played with her Dora ball and other toys and had a really lovely visit.

The best part of the night? SHE ACTUALLY SLEPT THROUGH IT! She's sleeping even now as I type this at 6:30am. Why am I up at this ungodly hour if my child is sleeping?

Because her stupid father woke me up and kept me up, like he does almost every night.

It's not really his fault, but when I turn over to ease my aching back and he's literally in my face and not waking up to move over, I'm awake. And when I have to nudge him three times to get him to put his apnea machine on so that he stops that insane snoring...well, then, I'm just plain awake. It's pregnancy insomnia at it's worst, and I'm ready to kill someone. Namely my husband.

Or at least put him out on the couch.

***
I still can't sleep, so this is edited in a bit later. La la la, here are some nifty things my daughter does/says now:

*Says "thank you", sometimes without prompting. Yesterday I was handing her her sippy cup and said "Here you go, sweetie", and she said thank you and signed it. Genius!

*Says "jump". And reeeeeaaallly jumps. Like, over and over and over until I'm pretty sure she's rattling her brain in her skull. Sometimes she even gets air.

*Climbs up on the couches by herself. This is not so amusing. Rather terrifying, actually.

*Seems to know the color blue. She has a blue ball, a yellow one and a red one, and when she's holding the blue one she'll occasionally say "boo!". Yesterday while she was still ill with fever we were chanting the pattern of flowers on her socks (anything to keep her from crying) and after I was done saying "white, blue, white, blue, white, blue", she suddenly pointed to a blue flower and said "boo". This was about 5 minutes after we were done looking at her socks. Really, people, my kid is a genius. (lol)

*Sings along with the Wiggles. All we have to do is start singing one line of a certain song that goes "And we're making some dough..." but leave out the "dough" and Emma chimes in with "do-do-do". She also sings to the other songs on the DVD and was humming with me two days ago (for the first time). She seemed to think that in order to hum you have to stick your neck out really far. :)

I know she's been saying a lot more lately but I think I'm going to head back to bed and see if I can get some sleep.

Stink, Stank, Stunk

2007-03-03T14:53:00.000-05:00

Ugh. That's how I feel at the moment. Trapped in a germy home that smells like poop and puke. (Okay, not really. It smells like vanilla cake thanks to a yummy candle and lots of airing out. But in my own warped mind I can still smell the various fluids that have been expelled by my lovely little girl in the past three days).

After Jae went to work last night Emma and I...um...hold on a minute. I can't even remember what the hell we did for three hours. Oh, right, we took a tubby and she fell asleep in my arms before 8pm. For the first. time. ever! I stupidly put some milk in a bottle just in case of an emergency (baby wakes up at 2 am wanting milk and I don't have the energy to rock her to sleep instead) and left it on her dresser instead of putting it in the kitchen. As soon as I wasdone filling up the bottle I said to myself "Idiot! You don't give a kid milk when she has the flu!" and put the bottle aside.

When Emma woke up at around 2:30am Jared went to get her back to sleep and he gave her the milk. The damn milk! No milk when the baby has the flu!!! He wasn't thinking; he'd only slept about three hours the night before. I bet you can guess what happened next:

3am, baby crying. I go to get her and she's tossing and turning and really agitated. We bring her to bed with us but she can't get comfy. Jared gets up to get some water and BLAAAAAAHHHH - curdled milk puke aaaaaaalllll over her, me, and the only clean and dry blankets left in the entire house. OH. MY. GOD.

And since I have no more energy to write....part II coming later.

Oh What a Night

2007-03-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

Having slept for most of the day Emma decided that the perfect time to wake up was 1am, just before Daddy got home from work. She was in bed with me, and tossed and turned and seemed alright until Jared walked in the door, then she suddenly became a banshee. I noticed right away that she was burning up and had to send poor Daddy right back out in the cold because we were out of tylenol. Of course. When he returned she was wide awake and we all went into the living room and played for a bit. It's funny; we were both so ballistically happy that she wasn't throwing up anymore that we were actually joyful to be up at 2am playing with Em's Dora ball and farm set and watching The Wiggles' "Top of the Tots!".

The rest of the details of the night are a bit fuzzy, but I know that at some point we returned to bed only to have Em wake up screaming hysterically. Nothing would calm her down and I was feeling very worn out, so Jared stayed up and rocked, held, cuddled, sang to her. Nothing really worked so I popped in a Baby Einstein and turned the volume and brightness down. It soothed her enough for the screaming to go away (she had really horrible gas - a precurser to the lovely diarrhea gushers of today), and I was able to go back to sleep. I figured they'd be back in bed with me in a bit, and so I dragged my butt to bed and tried really hard to melt the number 5:45 off the clock. Stupid clock, laughing at me with its bright red stupid numbers!

I woke up at 6:25am and didn't hear the whizzing of Jared's apnea machine, didn't feel Emma's sweaty little head bashing into mine, and dragged myself up once again. And in the living room I saw the sweetest little sight: Emma sleeping peacefully on her fold-out Elmo couch with her Daddy sleeping right next to her, his arm draped over the side of her couch. Her little legs were falling off (she's a tosser/turner!) so I gently put them back on and blew them both kisses and headed back to bed.

It was a long day. She slept until 8:30 and I was up with them for awhile before I just couldn't stay awake any longer. I napped, she napped, Jared didn't. I don't know how he's making it at work right now but I just got off the phone with him and he seems to be doing fine. Chipper, actually.

So I'm off to bed. It's not even 9pm and I can't remember the last time Emma fell asleep at 8pm! I feel like the most spoiled Mommy in the world!!

Oh, except for the poop stain on my sock and the vomit smell lingering in the air. But besides that.... :)

And the "Worst Parents Of The Year" Award Goes To...

2007-03-01T11:56:00.000-05:00

Emma is sick. Reeeaaalllly sick. Throwing up, misreble sick. And we weren't there to help her through the first bouts of it.

Early this morning (around 5am) I heard her kind of cough-choking, and Jared jumped up to check on her. My definition of "check the baby" is to go into the room, hold my fingers near her nostrils to make sure she's breathing, cover her up again and blow her a kiss. Jae's definition is to peek in through the door and listen for crying. Neither way of checking the baby is better than the other...usually. Usually, no crying or rustling blankets means a peacefully sleeping Emma.

But not last night.

Last night warrented the Mommy Check, which didn't happen because Jared is too lovely to let his pregnant wife get out of bed, knowing full well that if and when I do get out of bed I cannot fall back asleep. I would give anything to have dragged my big butt out of bed last night because apparently, while we were all fast asleep, Emma vomited all over herself. Repeatedly. The second time I heard her cough-choking I told Jared to really check her, and he did Daddy Check again and declared her ok.

That was until she really woke up this morning and Jared told me to go back to sleep. 2 minutes later he opened the door and said, "Kier, she threw up all over" in this calm yet scared voice. I popped out of bed and she gave me a tired little smile, and immediately I smelled it. Puke city. Her crib, blankets, sheets, pj's, hair, arms, legs, everything covered in puke. I mean, it worked it's nasty way up her pant legs! And down her pj shirt! It was caked on her little face and in her hair, and immediately my stomach sank into my socks and I almost started crying at the sight of her. She didn't even cry while puking, that's what gets me. She just coughed and threw up and stayed asleep and rolled around in for 4 hours.

We immediately filled the tub and I stripped her down and wrapped her up in a towel while Jae got everything ready. While she soaked in the tub (actually smiling and giggling a little) I took all of the blankets and things outside to shake out the dried stuff, then ran into the laundry room to rinse all of the other stuff, then stuffed it all in the washer and ran back upstairs to see how she was doing. It was about 20 minutes later, and she was no longer giggling. Jared went to the store to pick up Pedialyte and other necessities (chocolate covered donut and Milky Way bar for me - really, truly a necessity at 24 weeks) and Emma and I snuggled on the couch and watched Big Big World and Sesame Street.

When Jae got back and Emma was settled I said to him, "I have never felt such deep guilt in my entire life", and he just nodding his sad head in agreement. Of course we didn't know that she was throwing up in there - from the peek in, everything seemed normal. She didn't whine or cry, just stayed asleep. But I can't help but kick myself at the idea of our sweet girl feeling so awful and being alone, rolling around in vomit.

Please tell me that this has happened to someone else.

Now, a few hours later, she's thrown up about 5 more times and has nothing left in her little belly. We tried a cracker before she started puking again but ruled that out as a bad idea for now. She won't take Pedialyte or water but we're trying anyway. Oh, and she got this bug from her cousin Joshie, who got it from his friend Charlotte. Char played at his house on Monday morning, then we went over Monday afternoon. Poor Josh spent the entire night and morning throwing up, so Emma's not alone in this. I had to cancel a playdate/dinner night with our friends Kelly and Joshua (Emma's other Josh) and feel bad about that, but I definitely wouldn't want them getting anything. Plus, I'm 100% sure Em will be on the couch watching Baby Einstein for the rest of the day. I hope she's okay by tonight because I tend to have a really sensitive gag reflex these days and with Jared gone to work at 4:20pm I don't want to be throwing up while Emma throws up through the evening. No matter what, though, she's sleeping in bed with us tonight. I just feel better that way. I regret not being the one to check on her this morning, and I really don't want that happening again.

One more regret? That I pushed the vegetable soup last night for snack. Looking back, the chicken noodle may not have left such stains.

Woot!

2007-02-28T00:47:00.000-05:00

Why am I so happy? It could be for a number of reasons:

1. We found the long-lost digi-cam! It was right on top of the fridge, hidden by some crazy blue painters tape. Pictures are below!

2. Janice found out she's having a girl! Mommy intuition is amazing. I am thrilled beyond words for her!

3. Pop Tarts and hot chocolate at midnight are truly the perfect pregnancy snack. With lots of mini marshmellows! (Mouseminnows, as Josh used to call them). :)

4. A dear friend came for dinner tonight and we had our usual girls only chat - mega fun in the midst of cranky babyville. She's in love and her enthusiasm makes me giddy.

5. Our first swim class was fantastic!

6. I had a truly lovely birthday. We went out to breakfast, shopped at JoAnns, went to dinner with a bunch of our friends and then went to another friends house later on.

The next day Emma and I went to my parents house and celebrated there, and Mom & Dad got me a really awesome new purse and some beautiful maternity clothes. Sisters got me a maternity dress/shirt (a really fancy one from London!) and amazing smelling candle and soap. Have I ever mentioned my obsession with good scents? Oh, it's MUCH worse during pregnancy, when my nose is super sensitive. Everything must be clean and smelling fantastic at all times!

Getting back to the birthday; Mom made all my favorite foods and a yummy cake that tasted just like a huge oreo cookie! It was amazing! The best part of the night came as my parents were singing to me: Emma began slowly bouncing/dancing up and down and singing to me along with them. It was such a precious moment that my heart swelled and broke and regrew a thousand times larger. Kind of like the Grinch, without all the nasty no-good-ing. Oh, how I love my sweet Emma. Enough! Pictures!

2007-02-28T00:39:00.000-05:00

Emma in Daddy's shoes. This is one of our favorite pictures of out little girl! That look on her face is such a classic Emma look; grinning but full of mischief! And how is it that she always ends up so disheveled? Who cares, she's my little beauty.

Here are a few of Emma's favorite things:

Her new Elmo couch. It pulls out to make a little bed and she's over the moon about it!

Playing with the evil Gia cat (my cousin's cat). Emma loves all animals, even the mean, hissing ones.

Grammy; specifically, walking in Gram's shoes. My mother humors Emma in everything she does, and spends a lot of time hobbling about on her bum foot (still healing from breaking it 6 months ago!!) while Emma walks in her shoes.

Papa; specifically, staring at him with wonder and amazement. And some awe. And a bit of fear! No, the fear has gone away and has been replaced with a sort of dreamy, crush-like grin. It's insanely adorable, my daughter loving my father and looking at him with what I imagine to be the same look I gave him when I was little. She just loves my parents so much! And they, of course, are in love with her as well!

We had a very lovely Valentine's Day here! Jared got us flowers (seen below) and bought Emma a special giraffe. Grammy and Papa got her the gorilla. :)

One red rose for his soulmate, 2 lavender roses for his sweet daughters.

Savannah's rose, looking beautiful in bloom.

My Aunt Chris had me over for dinner to celebrate my birthday and we ended up watching a Sabres game at the end of the evening. The happen to be the most obsessed fans on earth! Good thing Emma LOVES hockey; she was literally glued to the TV while the "big guys" played!

And she even cheered and clapped along with us when we scored!

Now that we've gotten the camera back I'm sure to document March a lot better than I did February. But still, some pretty wonderful memories captured here. :)

Filled Up

2007-02-24T00:11:00.000-05:00

There are some truly wonderful pictures of my family on our digi-cam but sadly it has been lost in our little home. As soon as I discover it's whereabouts I'll be posting away.
***
Tonight the family went out to dinner at Lebros for my birthday (which is on Sunday), sans Jared who obviously had to work. Emma had a wonderful time sitting next to Grammy and passing her all the 'poon' (spoons) she could reach and playing with the neato little wooden toy the restaurant provided her with. She ate minestrone soup, chicken parm, and chicken piccata until her little belly almost burst, and I beamed on the sidelines. My sister and I talked about how happy and secure it makes us feel when our children are well fed; we both revel in the days when Josh and Emma eat like champs at every meal and go to bed with full tummies. There is just something about motherhood that makes you need to see your children fill their bellies with sustenance. I never want Emma to finish her food at every meal, I need her to. When she eats poorly I feel out of sorts and worrisome about her overall well-being, much like I imagine every other mother in the world feels about their children. Why am I talking about this? Because I'm thanking God each and every moment of the day that I have the means to provide my child with the food she needs. It's as simple as that. I am so utterly thankful.
***
On the topic of feeding, I am really looking forward to nursing Savannah when she enters the outside world. I can't wait for that first feeding, and imagine it every night as I rock Emma to sleep. I'm trying to visualize the perfect birth and along with that comes a warm babe nuzzled to my breast, skin to skin, covered with blankets. In this visualization only Jared and I are in the room, and he sits on the bed while Savannah cuddles up and eats. This positive visualization is getting me through the rougher times of this pregnancy and helping to alleviate anxieties about
the birth.
***
Today is our 8th anniversary! 8 years ago today Jared kissed me for the first time and we officially became a couple. 2 years ago today our darling Emma was conceived, making the 23rd a very special number.
***
My sister leaves tomorrow to go back to London until August. While she is away our nephew will turn 4 and I'll give birth to her third niece. She will miss a lot and be missed even more. Godspeed her home to us.

We Just Said No

2007-02-21T23:00:00.000-05:00

Emma had her 15 month ped visit today, during which we were suprised with 2 vaccines. Let me tell you, we are a couple who LOVE surprises! Birthdays gifts, parties, spontaneous trips to the grocery store; all of these are welcome things. But surprise us with shots when we were told at the last visit that there were no more shots until 18 months? And you get two very grumpy, resistant parents. Let me explain.

I am a complete pain-o-phobe when it comes to children I love. Watching Emma endure shots, finger pricks, etc. is literal torture for me. I don't give a kick in hell what the benefits of vaccinations are, people; all I can focus on is my daughter's bloodcurdling screams that go on for 20 minutes. She is not a good shot-taker, in fact she just plain sucks at pain - I blame it on myself, as that's just how I was a child. I would kick and scream and yell at the nurses and my parents every time SHOT was mentioned. I feared the doctor for years.

Which is one reason why we told the nurse and nurse practitioner NO to shots today. Every single visit for the past three visits have ended with shots or finger pricks and we don't want Emma to start associating every doctor visit with pain. Plus, the damn nurse practitioner promised us last time that this visit would include NO shots. We're freaks, my husband and I. We need time to prepare for these things! You would too if your kid screamed the way Emma does. We like to know in advance whether we need to be brave Mommy and Daddy, optimistic parents who are ready to smile and sing and cuddle our daughter through the stabbing of needles into her perfect sweet little arms. We can't perform these duties unless priorly warned, darnit!

And so we refused the shots today knowing that she'll get them next time at 18 months. That's just one month before Savannah is due to arrive! Jared will take Emma to that visit alone because I am just too pregnant and emotional and hormonal to be able to smile and sing and cuddle Emma through the stabbing of needles into her chubby, perfectly sweet and lovely little arms.

Before I was pregnant I don't think I would have stared down a medical professional and just said no to vaccinations. Well, then again, I did tell our last pediatrician that we were anti-vaccine and that it was only due to her pressuring us that we even let Emma be vaccinated in the first place. Yeah, she took that well.

Anyway, through all of this rambling I guess I'm saying that:
1. Surprise vaccinations are never a good thing.
2. I'm insanely hormonal.
3. I'm not apologizing for this, simply stating a fact.
4. Emma has really sweet, perfect, chubby little arms that should be 100% needle free for the rest of her life. This includes tattoos! (Don't ever tell her that Mommy has one though).

Oh...in my anti-needle ranting I forgot to mention how Amazon Emma is! She is up to 25 lbs, 31 and 7/8 inches. That's a weight gain of 5 lbs since November, and a length gain (huh?) of almost 2 inches. Apparently she takes after Daddy. Also, her head is big like his. And according to the n.p. she's way ahead of the game in terms of talking! I keep telling myself I'll make a list of her words and there's no better time like the present so here goes:

Mama
Dada
Papa
Dog
Bird
Big Bird
Up
Down
Uh-oh
Star
Apple
All gone
All done
Ball
In
Out
Spoon
More
More (usually sign language, but also spoken)
Cheese (her favorite food)
...and I know there's more but I'm too tired to think of them...

Plus the animal sounds for: elephant, monkey, dog, cow, sheep, snake, turkey, & sometimes cat. She's brillant and funny and beautiful and...well, mine. And that makes her the most amazing creature on the planet.

Oh, What Fun...

2007-02-21T00:07:00.000-05:00

It's been a very busy few days for us here in the J household. We spent the weekend shopping for baby things and spending time with my sister Breanna who is home from the UK to have some surgery done (woman parts stuff). She slept over last night and we had a fun time malling and Block*bustering and Scrabble-ing it up! She bought Em a cute Elmo mylar balloon (which Emmie loves, of course!) and after I got miss Tired-As-Anything into bed we played games and watched The Devil Wears Prada, which we both deemed cute but not funny enough and sorta sad. Of course, we stayed up way too late and I got not enough sleep so I'm a zombie today.

The morning was spent making pancakes and sausage and dropping Bre back at mom&dads and then rushing home to cleanCleanCLEAN for a friend who was coming over. We attempted to give her a nap but she refused all of our efforts and it was then that I realized I'd probably be screwed later when she collapsed in exhaustion.
Jared left for work and Emma and I were surprised by a visit from our neighbors Pooja and Pranav - Pranav is 2 and he and Emma are just starting to get used to one another. They came up and played for a bit and Pooja and I talked while the kids tried their hardest to share, and after they left I had to cancel my plans with Andrea (the friend who was coming over) because Emma suddenly had a bout of horrible oh-so-awful oh my gosh it can't get any worse than this diarrhea/diaper rash. Her poor little bottom is flaming red and when I attempted to clean her off she went into hysterics I've only seen while she is being tortured at the doctor's office. Honestly, I almost started crying myself and I'm no wussy Mommy. I gave up on cleaning her and just put a dry diaper on, not even able to put cream on her. My poor sweetie sobbed so hard that I almost couldn't think what to do for her, and we just sat on the couch and I rocked her and sang to her while she put her head on my chest and clutched at my shirt in desperation, so tired and sore was she.
We sat on the couch for almost 2 hours, me wondering what the heck to do with a babe who fell asleep at 6:45pm and who would most likely be up for the rest of the night. She woke up around 8:40pm and cuddled with me for 15 minutes then was back to her old self (except for when I approached her with a new diaper - but I did manage to change her twice and put enormously thick layers of Desitin on her bum).

Of course, her little late night nap meant that she didn't go to sleep for the night until quarter to midnight, and that she fought sleep and me for almost an hour. It was the most physically exhausting bedtime I've ever had with her; rocking in the glider led to rocking her in my arms while standing up which lead to swinging her while singing which led to a milk baba which led to stories which led to more arm rocking while standing which led to more glider rocking and humming which FINALLY led to baby sleeping in her crib and Mama needing to go online to relieve the tension. Oh, and a ginormous bowl of chocolate almond ice cream.

Em has a doc appointment tomorrow at noon where we'll refuse to let them prick her finger and test her hemoglobin again (because 2 weeks of being sick with a bad cold and no appetite can make it really low, DUH!), and where we'll ask about allergy testing. And my favorite part of each visit: discovering how much our little girl weighs!

Okay, I really need to crawl into bed and watch some sort of HGTV or reality junk. Anything to numb my brain until Jared comes home and we can slip into sleep in each other's arms.

I am SOOOOOO sleeping in tomorrow!!!!

2007-02-16T22:46:00.000-05:00

I thought that I was doing alright with the information that Nina won't be caring for me during this pregnancy. I really thought I had a handle on it. But today was a very hard day of doubting myself and my body and my ability to birth this babe vaginally, and bad memories of Emma's birth and our hospital stay.

I spoke with one of the new midwives (2 in the practice) yesterday and it turns out I need clearance to try for a VBAC in order to be a patient of theirs. *Sigh*. I made an appointment with one of the ob/gyns at my current practice for today but cancelled last minute. Yesterday was emotionally draining for a few different reasons and I just didn't feel up to having an internal plus talking about everything that happened during Emma's birth with some strange man.

Just this evening it really dawned on me that Nina won't be my midwife. For some people this is no big deal; they have an ob/gyn who comes last minute to the hospital anyway and they never really get to know the doctor in the first place. But I know Nina; I know her little quirks well enough to know when she's worried about something or when something isn't right, and she knows me well enough to be able to calm my fears. I am absolutely terrified of having a repeat cesarean, plus being away from Emma and now being even farther (the new midwives deliver at a hospital that is about 40-45 minutes away from my mom's house, as opposed to the 10 minute drive to the hospital I would have delivered at again if I could have stayed with Nina).

*Ugh*. I'm just too tired and upset to think about this tonight. I'm going to console myself with the knowledge that my birthday is coming and with it comes a new sewing machine and probably some sewing tools/accessories, as well as a surprise from Jared that he's assured me I'll love. Hopefully I'll also get the breadmaker I've been drooling over (not for a birthday gift, but sometime relatively soon).

I had forgotten how emotional I get during pregnancy.

Grah

2007-02-12T23:01:00.000-05:00

Earlier today I began to write about how much I was dreading going to my midwife appointment today because I didn't want to tell Nina that I was reconsidering a hospital birth. I knew she'd say that no one would do a homebirth for me because this is a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), and I was afraid that if I demanded a birthing center birth that she wouldn't be able to be my midwife anymore. Nina works for a husband/wife ob/gyn practice and only delivers in 2 area hospitals, contractually obligated not to work homebirths. I knew this going to my appointment, which is why I was so upset beforhand.

I had no idea that there was far worse news waiting for me at the office.

Nina is moving. Her husband is in the military and they will be moving back to Kentucky in July. She stops working in May - one month short of my EDD. When Nina came into the room today she asked me how I was doing and I replied, "We need to talk". Then I promptly burst into tears and told her that I couldn't face another hospital birth, that I couldn't go through another clinical, separated-from-my-child, 4 night stay in a public room. No way. That I was reconsidering...

...And that's when she said "I have something to tell you..." and went on to explain the when and why she was leaving. At this point I just couldn't stop the tears; in the two years that I've been with Nina she's become more than just a "doctor" figure - she's become a friend. I can't imagine birthing Savannah without her there. But she hasn't left me high and dry! She did research and found the best "midwifey-midwives", as she put it, in the area because she knows there's no way I'll stay with the husband/wife practice without her. I'll be calling them tomorrow to find out more about them (if they accept our insurance, if they do VBACs, etc.). I'm terrified to begin again with new midwives because Nina knows me and my history and my fears and my concerns...*tears*. The only good part of this is that Nina offered to be my doula for the birth, since she and her husband will most likely still be here! So whether she is officially my midwife or not, Nina might very well be there when I birth our second daughter. Hopefully this time she'll be encouraging me to push and not holding my hand while I'm strapped to a table.

One of the worst things about this switch is that the new midwives (2 in the practice) are located much farther away, downtown, and they only deliver at Children's Hospital. MFS, the hospital I was in with Emma, is only 10 minutes from my mom's house where Emma will be staying while I'm giving birth. I can't imagine being soooo far away from my baby. But as Nina remided me, because I WILL be having a vaginal birth this time I can leave earlier than 24 hours after giving birth as long as I bring Savannah back for the blood test. Oh, God, please please let this go right.

*****
In other news, our toilet is broken, our phone is on the brink, and we have to be out of the house all day long tomorrow while various things are fixed. What I would give just to have a peaceful day of sleeping in tomorrow. *sigh*

Holy Crap

2007-02-08T10:54:00.000-05:00

My link thing won't work, so just click:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=425017&in_page_id=1774

I'm horribly overwhelmed with the two...imagine 6!

Normal?

2007-02-06T23:24:00.000-05:00

Two of my best friends are pregnant at the same time I am now; one is due a week after me and one just found out a few days ago (surprise!). I am thrilled that we get to go through this together. Our three children (Emma, Zellie & Joshua) are best friends and have spent almost a year growing up together. It's been a wonderful blessing to have them in our lives.

So why on earth do I feel jealous when I think of how easy it was for both of them to conceive their children? I feel like a freak even saying that because - duh - Savannah was a complete surprise (described as an "oops" by certain family members of mine). Yet Emma took 18 months of trying, failing, praying, losing all faith, doctor visits, charting, temping, meds, and finally...our precious girl.

Strange that I'm not completely over that pain yet. I feel like I should be, and for the most part I am. I've acknowledged it, dealt with it, put it aside and moved on. But sometimes when I think of how easy it was with Savannah and with my friends children I just feel awful remembering.

And let me interrupt this mood-fest with an "owww". These braxton hicks are really picking up in the last few weeks.

But truly, I couldn't be happier.

Alright, now on to BED. And hopefully an entire night of no throwing up!

2007-02-06T22:51:00.000-05:00

Have the stomach flu. Spent all of last night/early this morning throwing up. Spent an hour shaking so hard my spine and muscles are in agony today. Said to husband: I'd rather go through labor than this.

Blah.

She Had a Rough One

2007-02-03T00:30:00.000-05:00

Squirt did not have such a good day today. In fact, if you were to poll her, she'd probably say that today was 99% sucky, 1% awesome.

The awesome came when we visited Grammy, Papa, cousin Monsteroni, and the doggy.

The sucky was:
*Falling over while helping to push the cart at Tar-jay and bashing her head so forcefully into the bars that she got a big welt and bruise (which has now faded into 2 red marks with slightly bloody scratches in the middle of them).
*Coughing up a ton of phlegm and choking so hard on it that she stopped breathing for a few seconds.
*Getting her leg stuck in the ladder while Grammy tried to push her up, not realizing that her legs were stuck!
*Falling into the loosened heat grate in Gram's kitchen (to which I yelled "This thing needs to be fixed NOW before someone gets seriously hurt!", at the top of my lungs, scaring the crap out of everyone in the house but making Squirt laugh away her tears).
*Getting yelled at by mommy (insert shameful face here) when she refused to go to sleep and instead stared up at me with love in those huge blue eyes and a grin on her face. I wanted to tazer myself just seeing the look of confusion in her eyes as she curled up, not grinning anymore, rubbing her eyes and burrowing into my chest as if to say "I might start crying now, but I'll be quiet about it so evil mommy doesn't show up again". Oh, the guilt is a stabbing pain in my chest! And all I could do afterwards was kiss her head and say "I love you, I'm sorry baby" over and over again. Sheesh, these damn pregnancy hormones need to leave me the hell alone when I'm with my kiddo!!

Let's hope tomorrow is better. I have the sewing machine all ready to whip up some amazing homemade jeans and other assorted baby items, and Jae has the day off. Finally. Because this working until 1am is really. starting. to. suck. We should have a nice relaxing day at home. Oh, with an afternoon break for Uncle's hockey game. Squirt loooooooves watching uncle play hockey!

Don't Mind Me...I'm Just Danny Tanner-ing Myself

2007-02-02T00:09:00.000-05:00

As I'm slowly passing the halfway there mark of this pregnancy I'm beginning to wonder and worry about postpartem issues again. Will we have the same trouble breastfeeding as Emma and I did? (Thankfully, this time I'll know that despite early problems bf is completely possible). I wish Emma had gone longer than a year, but she weaned herself - and that was the only goal I set for us.

I worry about how Emma and Savannah will interact (how Em will handle not being the baby of the family?), but most of all I worry that the PPD will return. Sometimes I can't believe that it was as bad as it was; that perhaps my memory of it was not as clear due to the anxiety and panic attacks and depression. But then Jared clarifies everything and assures me it was just as horrible as I remember it to be. Thank god I got through it...we got through it. Without the support of my husband I would have surely gone under.

But knowing now what I didn't back then, I wonder if my knowledge is enough to prevent the total loss of myself. Surely I will be able to recognize the signs of impending "madness" (and I fondly call it), and surely I will be able to ask for help much earlier this time, if the depression does return. This time around I won't be ashamed or feel like less of a mother for needing help in caring for my child/ren. Because, really, even with the depression I was one hell of a mom.

In saying that, I'm confident that this time around will be different. I have no expectations that Savannah's birth will go perfectly simply because I want it to. I am realistic about life with a newborn. I understand that having a toddler and a newborn will cause stress and anxiety, but I know we'll be able to do this. Emma is really a breeze now and such a little spark of joy and fun, and I can't wait to see how she reacts to Savannah and how we grow and change once we're a family of 4.

I love when I try to talk myself out of anxieties. I end up feeling like Danny Tanner with the crescendoing sappy music, having just recited a lovely monologue about never giving up...or staying in school...or the correct ways to clean a countertop.

Or...something like that. The point is, I feel better. Thanks, me, for the pep talk.

No Belly Shot?

2007-01-28T20:36:00.000-05:00

I can't believe we haven't taken a single belly shot of this pregnancy!!!

As soon as Jared is done putting Emmie to sleep (one hour earlier than normal...ugh) I'll have him clear up the memory card and take a darn shot of my growing belly. I was hesitant to do this a few weeks ago because of the marks Em left on my belly, but in all honesty I'm proud of them. Someone once told me that they resemble a lotus flower, and that comment did wonders for my self confidence!

Savvy is moving around so much today, especially when I eat cold things. Of course this means that I ate lemon ice and a pudding pop back-to-back. :)

Pictures coming...soon...

Halfway There!

2007-01-28T14:48:00.000-05:00

Random picture of the day: My nephew Josh posing with my mom. Notice their feet; on Mom's, a cast-type boot to fix her foot that was broken for 2 months without her knowing it. She stumbled on the way to the tube in London with my sister and couldn't get in to see a specialist, hence the now even more broken foot. On Josh's foot, an aluminum foil cast, because of course his foot is broken just like Gram's. Words can't express how much I want to gobble him up sometimes!

Moving on then!
Yesterday I reached 20 weeks, the halfway point of this pregnancy! My belly is noticeable (thanks to the squashing of internal organs way up high, I look farther along than I am) and I'm feeling pretty good. Savannah is moving around but Jared can't feel her yet; I'm expecting to feel her from the outside somewhere around week 24 (like last time).

We went to Joshua K's first birthday party yesterday and had a great time chatting with our friends and playing with the kiddos.

Lisa, Derek, Zelda, and Preston (hiding within his mommy for now!).

Joshua squishing birthday cake in his face. Oh, the fun he had!!

It seems like just yesterday that we celebrated Emma's first birthday, and I know that a whole year with Savannah is going to fly right by us. Thank goodness for quiet nights when I can remember the joys of being a mom and take the time to slow down a bit.

The Fishies

2007-01-25T23:05:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I'm pretty darn good at planning successful baby outings! Today we went to the Aquarium of Niagara (located, duh, in my hometown of Niagara Falls). Jared's mom is here for a visit so obviously she came with us, along with our friends Lisa, her daughter Zelda, and Kelly and her son Josh. We had a fantastic time! My father got us all in for free using his family pass. The story behind that is that his business stripes their parking lot for free (has been doing this for years), and he takes his kindergarteners there every year as well, which adds up to lots of free visits for our family. Having young children and being extremely frugal, I am thrilled at this!!!

Anyway, back to today. Our first stop was the penguin exhibit, which all three kids adored! Penguins have a special place in my heart because when I was little my father read me "Mr. Popper's Penguins" and it became our special book. For years I collected penguin everything, and I still love the little guys! Emma laughed and got so excited to see them and kept returning to knock on the glass and wave hello to them, much to my great joy! Penguins are her new favorite animals. :)

Mommy Popper's Penguins:

She loved those aquatic birds!

We got to the aquarium just in time for the sea lion show (which my father used to volunteer in), and the kiddos were amazed by Squirt, the lovely 20-year old female sea lion. I was especially touched that Squirt was our performer today, as my mom calls Emma her little Squirt. :) After the show we stayed up on the second floor and looked at no-eyed fish, piranahs, fish that eat stones, albino freaky things, and lots and lots of skeletons. After a quick trip to the diaper changing station the babies toddled around the first floor and enjoyed the sharks, huge fish, and sea lions (the view from under the water). We stayed for about an hour and a half, which is amazing considering we had 3 toddlers. And NONE of them got cranky, not even for a second. Fishies are magic, I tell ya!

In case you didn't believe me when I said where I was today (and introducing Squirt):

Watching Squirt jump over bars, balance balls on his nose and other fun tricks:

In other news, we're having a lovely visit with Jared's mom (Emma calls her Nani). She arrived on Tuesday morning and we spent that day lounging around lazily enjoying Emma. Yesterday, after Jared went to work, Nani, Emma and I went to my parents house to eat a lovely dinner of chicken caccatore (or however you spell it) and dessert of chocolate cake. Oh, my mother makes all my favorite foods when company comes and I loooooove her for it! My mom is the cutest; the house was spic'n'span, the dining room was set up with table cloth, fancy place setting & candles, and she was all dressed up! MIL really appreciated the nice touches, as did I. We had a wonderful visit and left late, our bellies full of yummy food. Unfortunately Emma's belly seemed to be overfilled, and she had bounced and played so heartily that she made herself sick. Halfway into our drive home she became hysterical and I had to pull over at a church and grab her out of her seat...just in time to pat her back and catch the vomit. My poor, poor baby! I sang her a Kindermusik song and got her to sleep, then put her back in her carseat and held her head while Nani drove home. Of course, she felt much better when I got her changed and was awake for another 2 hours, leaving us enough time for a tubby and more fun!

Emma's wonderful grandmothers:

Today we had fishy day, followed by a 2 hour nap for Emma and Nani, quick dinner, and shopping at Tar-jay - paid in full by MIL. Oh, how wonderful it is to be spoiled. I got a really beautiful tea kettle and 2 new maternity shirts which I will model once my bump is a bit bigger. We ended the night with more dinner, tubby, and lots of fun. Tonight is supposed to be the coldest of the year. Boy, am I glad to live in Buffalo! Oh well, I'll just snuggle up to Jared when he gets home (1.5 hours!) and be thankful that it's been such a wonderful week. Coming soon: details about Jared's first week of work (hint: IT'S FREAKING FANTASTIC TO WORK FOR THE CAVEMAN INSURANCE AGENCY!!!). For now, here are more pictures of our day at the aquarium:

Daddy with Emma, clapping for Squirt.

The three friends enjoy the sting rays:

Pointing to her favorite fish:

Look out behind you!

Emma, Daddy and Nani enjoying the show:

A Picture Party

2007-01-18T12:07:00.000-05:00

Tuesday was our final class of this session of Kindermusik, and we're taking a break from classes next session. BUT! After that, Jared will be joining us for class! I can't add enough of these -->!!!!!!! to show how excited I am by this!

Here are a few shots of our lovely showcase day at Kindermusik. My mother was able to come (this is her 3rd or 4th time and she loves it - as do Emma and I!) We have a great teacher, Miss Kelly, and wonderful friends in class. I can't wait to do it again, but this time with help because I can't see my huge pregnant self hoisting Emma up and down and all around anymore!

Emma played the resonator bar after waiting patiently for her turn!

The 3 Muskateers: Emma, Joshua & Zelda, with the 3 older Muskateers: me, Kelly & Lisa.

Emmie and I enjoying quiet time and a private snuggle, which Grammy caught on camera.

Here is a great example of what I'm becoming too large and exhausted to do anymore:

Just like an old fashioned college drum circle! The babes gather to play to the music. (Tiny Sophie and blonde Lily are in the background with their moms).

Kelly's husband John, holding Josh, follows us during the Irish Trot dance. I still think it's amazing that John and I reconnected through myspace after all these years (he was a high school buddy) and now his wife and I are close friends. What's even more wonderful is that our children are growing up together!

I'm trying to find the best sewing machine & serger for our $$ (they will *hopefully* be birthday presents for me in a month!) but am not having any luck. I'm a beginner and will use them to make cloth diapers and other baby items after taking a class. I'm so excited about this! And my husband thinks it's hilarious that his wife is so into crafting. Hey, he knew this when he married me! I'm simply branching out to bigger and better things!

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

2007-01-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

Meet Savannah Hailee, our sweet little bean. :)

It's A Girl!

2007-01-16T08:21:00.000-05:00

We were blessed to find out today that our baby is a girl! We've chosen the name Savannah Hailee for Emma's little sister. We are very grateful that Savannah is growing and developing right on target and that everything looks perfect. She weighs about 8 oz. and is about 6 inches long now; our little girl has so much growing to do before she's ready to be welcomed into our arms! With Emma I felt a sense of urgency to get to the end of pregnancy, but with Savannah I'm more relaxed and ready to enjoy the 22 weeks that are left. I'm looking forward to our time as a family of four but I want to cherish this alone time with Emma now. It's a little overwhelming to think that we'll have two children under the age of 2 soon, but we're so thankful for this gift we've been given.

Today's sonogram was as exciting as Emma's was in June 2005. We recorded the sonogram and can't wait to watch the screen as Savannah bounces and moves and stubbornly tries to keep her identity a secret from us! For awhile I didn't think she'd let us see but we were finally able to get a good shot and the sonographer is 99% positive it's a girl. This time around we were able to tell the heart, kidneys, stomach, bladder, brain, etc. before the sonographer even pointed them out because it feels like we just did this with Emma! Savannah hid her tiny little face with her hands but we were able to get some amazing pictures to keep and fall even more in love with.

When Jared and I got back to my parents house after the appointment we scooped Emma up, took her into the bathroom, and told her the news privately (not that she understood anything we said, of course!). Then we handed her a baby doll and had her give it to Grammy, Papa, Joshie and Lis. On the pink blanket were the words "I'm going to have a BABY SISTER!", which was our way of telling the family about Savannah. (There's a picture below of us with Emmie's baby wrapped up). Later on we told Jared's family the same way via webcam and they were thrilled.

I feel lucky beyond my wildest dreams, yet my heart is heavy with longing for friends and loved ones who are still waiting for children. May we all be blessed with healthy children in the very near future.

Bedtime Worries

2007-01-11T22:46:00.000-05:00

Last night while lying in bed with Jae I had a little hormonal breakdown. My neck hurt almost unbearably, my head was pounding, and none of the hypno*birthing relaxation techniques were working. In fact, the more my dear hubby tried to get me into a state of zen with his "5-4-3-2-1" method, the more anxious and uncomfortable I felt. Suddenly the idea of labor happening again so soon after Emma was born was more than I could handle. I even said to him "F*@% it! I want a damn epidural! Screw my natural, hypnocrap, screw the no meds!" (well, I said something like that while crying). That, for me, was a big breakdown. I didn't even want any meds last time when the pitocin was enough to make me think Freddy Kruger had found his way into my uterus and was tearing me apart. (No, really, that was the most vivid memory I have of contractions). Last night I just couldn't imagine going through that again so soon.

A lot of people I know would roll their eyes and say I'm crazy/naive/stupid/being a martyr for no reason. But I'm being honest when I say: There is nothing I wouldn't do to have a complete med-free, epidural-free, vaginal, hypno*birthing, homebirth. NOTHING. Homebirth is out of the question as Nina (midwife extraordinaire) only practices in hospitals. But all the rest sums up my greatest desire for this birth. The c-section was completely necessary for Emma's safety; the cord was wrapped around her shoulder and every time I contracted the blood flow was cut off and her heartrate dropped considerably. I hear it was a very scary time, but for some reason I was calmer during labor than I'd ever been in my entire life. Unfortunately, after we brought our healthy and beautiful little one home my disappointment at not having a vaginal birth grew until I could no longer handle it. Add that to the breastfeeding difficulties, the never-home-when-I-needed-him-hubby and the no help from family and I was a real mess. PP depression (PPD) settled in and ruined our lives for months until I got some help.

Now, looking back on all of that, I'm terrified of repeating the cycle. This time around I know that we'll succeed with breastfeeding because there's NO WAY it could possibly be more difficult with Bean than it was with Emma. And somehow we persisted and had a great bf-ing relationship for a year! If I'm showing signs of PPD I know what to do and who to call to get help ASAP.
But I have absolutely no control over how my labor and delivery will go. I'll fight tooth and nail to avoid being induced, I'll kill anyone who suggests an epidural if I didn't ask for one and I'll refuse to give up. But when it comes down to it, Nina and I have made a deal. No plans this time. No birth plans at all. No labor plans, no meds plans, no delivery plans. We'll go into this birth with a clean slate, no expectations and no negative thoughts. We'll use hyno*birthing and Jared and I will hire a doula (which is my #1 priority) to be in charge of pushing the nurses and staff to let us labor as we want to.

We'll see how it goes. I can't help but worry about all of this, but I'm trying to leave it up to nature. This, of course, does not go well at all with my natural control freak tendencies.

Registering for the Unknown

2007-01-11T12:50:00.000-05:00

I decided to go ahead and make a baby registry today because I'm sure our enthusiastic families and friends will be asking what they can get for the new one (it's here if you want to check out the big bunch o'bedding I can't make a decision about - opinions please! We're registry #36201573). https://www.toysrus.com/ControllerServlet#reg_gg_find_registry

It's strange, though, doing this registry. I know we won't be having a baby shower this time, because as an older relative put it "It's just tacky". Hmm....I didn't think so, but who am I to argue with that? A few family members have said they think we'll have one, so we'll see. But the bigger dilemma I'm having today is what the heck to even register for? What in the world are we having, anyway? (Yeah, a baby, thanks, I know!). I don't even know where we'll end up living in a few months so I can't plan on whether we'll have an extra room for the new babe or if the two scrunchkins will be sharing a room. At least I know that the baby will be in our room for the first 6 months the way Emma was. This time, we'll use a co-sleeper attached to the bed so I don't have any terrifying "WHERE'S THE BABY? UNDER THE COVERS? DID I FALL ASLEEP WITH HER IN MY ARMS? IS SHE UNDER JARED? IS SHE SUFFOCATING? OH GOD OH GOD!!!!!!!" moments like last time. I nursed Emma so often in the middle of the night that I'd wake up sweating bullets, patting myself down and thinking I'd fallen asleep with Em on my boob and that she'd somehow gotten to the end of the bed and we were kicking/suffocating her. Oh, the horror! I'd have to jump up and grab the bassinet to make sure she was safe, then spend the next hour panicking until she'd awaken to nurse again and the cycle would continue. For hours on end. Weeks on end.

NEVER, EVER AGAIN! Heehee...this time, the baby will be right next to me, safe in his/her cozy sleeper and I won't have to panic, just look over and *poof* DBT's gone.

I'm going back to registering now. I'm glad that some of you have found this new place! I deleted my old journals so quickly that I'm now regretting it, having lost precious memories along with those posts. This journal will stay open long after I'm done with it, whenever that may be.

Home for a Rest

2007-01-08T09:10:00.000-05:00

Jared will be working overtime all week long and on Saturday this week, so Emma and I are in for a lot of alone time. Now that the holidays are over and all the family has departed for their homes it's a lot less stressful (I was going to my parents house every day and having to put up with my irritating sister). I'm looking forward to staying at home and getting things done here; finishing the dishes today, scrubbing the sink and kitchen floor, putting away Christmas decorations, and cooking dinners in advance are all on my to-do list. We'll see how far I get with Emma tagging along, yelling MAMA! every 3 seconds! Hehehe.

I can't make a decision regarding boy names with this baby, and it's driving me (and probably Jared) crazy! With Emma it was so simple; either Emma Grace or Kaleb Ethan. There was never any doubt! But with Beanie, I'm changing my mind every other minute. Elijah Gabriel? Alexander Ethan? Kaleb? I don't know! Jared is set on Alexander and says he likes it a bit more than Elijah. But he's easy to sway and I know that we'll agree on whatever name it comes down to. My mind is really not focusing lately and I'm having all sorts of problems remembering things and making decisions. Now, girl names, that's a bit easier. Savannah Hailee. That's all. :)

I know there was something important I wanted to write about, but it will have to wait because:
A. I've forgotten what it was, and
B. Emma is awake. After a 12 hour night of uninterrupted sleep! WOOT!

Blessings

2007-01-05T23:46:00.000-05:00

Jared went for his third and final interview for a new job tonight, starting at 6pm. By 7:50pm I was a nervous wreck wondering why he hadn't called and anxious to hear whether he'd been hired by the huge insurance agency. I left a message on his cell saying "Call me as soon as you can, I'm kinda freaking out".

10 minutes later he called to tell me that he'd been hired on the spot. Our lives are going to be changed by this enormous blessing. Thank you, Lord. We've waited and tried our hardest to be patient, and now it's finally paid off. We'll be able to cover all bills, rent, groceries, and extras. Extras! It's so difficult to put into words how frugal we've been these past few years. Any extras have had something to do with Emmie (Kindermusik, clothing, toys, etc.). And now we can look to the future with hope and renewed faith. Someone truly is watching our efforts and rewarding us with blessings we've only dreamed about. Without the ridiculous health insurance we're paying now, the parking costs, the gas for his 30-40 minute commute, we are saving a bundle. Plus the extra money he'll be making a year, of course (this job pays much better!). Oh, my heart is joyful and my nerves are finally calm. I can't remember the last time I felt this at ease with our future.

It's a 2nd shift job - 4:30 to 1am, just 5 miles down the road. Jared is really looking forward to the 10 minute max commute down one single straight road as opposed to his long morning commute to downtown Buffalo, where he fights road ragers and stress and busy highways. I'm looking forward to knowing exactly where he works and how to get there within 10 minutes if there is ever a problem. We're both extremely excited about spending every day together as a family, especially this summer when Bean is born and we can go to the park and the zoo and the aquarium with our three babes (Joshua will always seem like our first child, no matter how many I give birth to myself). In my mind I see us walking by the river with Lisa, Zelda and their new little one (due a week after Bean!), Kelly and Joshua, and Emma and Bean. I'm nursing Bean in the sling while Jared pushes Emma's stroller, and we're enjoying our dear friends and children. This past summer was so amazingly wonderful with the girls and their babies, Emma's first friends her age. I can't wait to do things like that with Jared!

I better get to sleep...Jared is working overtime tomorrow to make a little extra and we have a very busy day. The whole family is going to Adam's hockey game and then we'll be spending the rest of the day with Breanna as she leaves for London again on Sunday to begin her teaching adventure! Oh, what amazing opportunities are coming our way. Today has been...well...there just no words to describe how good this feels.

To Keep Going

2007-01-05T13:01:00.000-05:00

Recently I've been finding inspiration in the least likely of places: In blogs of people I knew in elementary, junior, and high school (although I wasn't friends with most of them, just knew of them because we were in the same grade). Thatch-Work, written by S, is an account of her life with three children (twins included) and as a family of missionaries returned from Africa. I am amazed and humbled at how much she has accomplished in her life and find myself craving her faith. Zigzag Mommy, written by M, gave me strength and hope when I found out I was pregnant with Bean. I was so overwhelmed (and still can be at times) at the thought of having two children under the age of two but find that reading M's journal makes me look forward to the joyful experience of being a family of four. Mommy Muse, written by T, inspires me to look for the joy beyond the frustration of daily life. And Elephant Dreams, written by D, inspires me to dream the big dreams I haven't dare to in years.

We find ourselves in some financial trouble lately, and it's been wearing us down to the point of exhaustion. It's nothing new for us, but the thought of a new baby and this stress is overwhelming. Being pregnant isn't helping, as I'm emotional and prone to having fits of worry that take over everything. My faith is not as strong as it was years ago, and I'm struggling to give up these burdens and let someone bigger handle them for us. Some days I wish for long bouts of sleep and endless mugs of tea to soothe away these worries, but mostly I'm just wishing to get out of this hole we are in. Jared and I push one another to keep going, keep believing, keep working towards our dreams. I know now that without Emma and Bean, we would have given up a long time ago. I am so thankful for my babies; the thought of them warms my heart and calms my soul.

Oh, my silly beautiful girl. I don't know if you will ever understand all that you are to me. Perhaps this knowledge will come when you have a child of your own. My life is no longer my own, but full of deeper meaning and greater joy now that I have you. Thank you for the million ways you make me keep believing.

You've changed so much in 13 months, Emmie. I can't believe you're going to be a big sister! I love you, mouse.

De-Christmafied

2007-01-04T12:39:00.000-05:00

I've officially put Christmas away for another year (halleluiah!). The tree was sitting there half taken down for 2 days and the cards were irking me from their doorway hanging positions and even the manger with the lovely baby Jesus was starting to annoy me. So this morning, while Emma munched Cheerios and watched Sesame Street I kicked myself into high gear and:

1. Took down the entire tree, put it away, and stacked it in the kitched for Jared to store later on.
2. Vacuumed while holding Emma. This may not seem like a feat, but believe me - vacuuming while holding a wriggly toddler and being 4 months pregnant is anything but easy! She's terrified of our vacuum (it's insanely loud) and screams in fear if I turn it on and Daddy's not around. Hmm. Why is it that Daddy's presence makes Emmie 100% uninterested in the goings-on of the vacuum, while Mommy's presence makes Emma curl up in the fetal position and cry her lungs out?
3. Rearranged all the living room furniture. Something I know I shouldn't be doing by myself. But I couldn't wait.
4. Did as many dishes as Emma would let me before her screams of "MAMA!" made me throw down my sponge in frustration.
5. Put away (organize & pick up) all of Em's new toys.

The little monsteroni is now sleeping peacefully after fighting a nap and I'm ready to collapse. But a shower is waiting for me and I can't wait to slather on Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion aaaaaallllllll over my body. It's the strangest pregnancy craving I've ever had; I swear, I'd eat the stuff (or my arm) because it just smells so good!

Now that the holidays are over there are many projects I'd like to finish (or start, in some cases). I have Emma's handprint quilt to finish, a picture collage for the relatives and friends, and once we find out Bean's gender I would like to make something special for him/her as well. Now if I only had ideas...

Continued from below

2007-01-03T13:22:00.000-05:00

While visiting my husband's family on Long Island we had a visit from our dear friend Pat. Jared and Pat went to Junior and High School together, then we all attending SUNY Fredonia together and Jae and Pat were roomies with 2 other guys in an awesome suite. I've missed Pat's intelligence, humor, and sincerity in the past few years and it was awesome to see him again!

My in-laws: Nani, Poppi (what Emma calls my MIL and FIL), me, Aunti Erica. (Bottom): Aunt Katelin, Jared, cousin Arynn (Erica's darling boy), and of course, Emma!

Aunti Beez holds Emma and Joshie, who are both so pleased that she's home from London for a visit!!!

The women of the family gather together on Christmas Eve while the men eat. :) (Top: Mary Sue, Kathy, Vicky, Chrissy, Ruthie, me, Maureen; Bottom: Erin, my mom Margaret, Aunti Ann; Bottomy-Bottom: Bre).

Julie (Paul's girlfriend), Erin, and Paul (my dear cousins)

Paige and Emma greet one another with huge hugs!

Daddy and Emma sharing a look of love. This melts my heart every time I see it; I'm so grateful to have married this man and to have created life with him.

Emma tries out Elmo's nonnie (what our family calls a pacifier). Strange because the kid has always hated nonnies!

2007-01-03T12:44:00.000-05:00

I'm back to blogger after Wordpress failed to impress me. Posting pics just wasn't as easy as it is here.
Not too much to say today; Emma and I are getting a little better after the worst colds ever took our noses and lungs hostage. I almost threw up from coughing so hard last night but Jared didn't hear anything! I can't believe how deeply that man can sleep. One peep and I'm up and running no matter what time it is.
I think I'll just post some picture of the family at Christmas. It was the best holiday season since my childhood and I'm just so thankful that we could spend it with family.

Erin (cousin extraordinaire) and I making our Gram's famous sour cream cookies. There was a funny incident when Erin started grabbing the dough exclaiming "We need about 3 more cups of flour!" and I attacked her yelling "THIS ISN'T HAND DOUGH!" and scraping the dough from between her fingers with a big spoon. Yeah, you kinda had to be there. This pic was taken immediately afterward:

Emma kissing her new baby from Grammy and Papa; also her favorite Christmas present! She's really fantastic at taking care of her babies, so we're hoping this crosses over to taking care of her new sibling!

Emma and Josh dancing to "The Wiggles: Yule Be Wiggling!", a favorite DVD of both of them and my godson Joey.

The official Christmas card photo this year:

Just the four of us, although Baby Bean is hiding!

Jared and I took a break from being Santa to snap a picture of how happy and excited we were. It was the best Christmas of my life, thanks to Jared, Emma, Bean, and all of our family and friends.

Simon, Bre, Erin and I enjoying the annual Christmas Eve party at AuntiAnn & Uncle Bob's house.

I have a picture of me playing this organ at Ann & Bob's when I was just a bit older than Emma is here! My favorite Christmas picture of this year. :)

My sister Nicole flew up with her precious daughter Paige, who turns a year in January. We've only seen her once before this visit, so were were all thrilled to spend time with them!

Jared, Emma, me, and Bean (deep within but so close to our hearts) on Christmas Eve.

More pictures to come....probably posted above! :)