Babycakes

Life these days is good.

My son, Reid, is 5 months old and lights up my life every second of the day.
My daughters, Emma and Savannah, are 4 and 2, and rock my world constantly.
My husband is incredible. We are moving into our first house in March-ish, and we are so blissfully thrilled about it!!

I am not currently experiencing any PPD per se. A little stress and anxiety here and there, but what is motherhood without those emotions?

I'm moving forward in my life...off towards other things. I hope I get to where I want to be.........

I realized last night that blogging helped me intensely when I was going through PPD with both Emma and Savannah, and that I should start again to get ready for babe #3's birth.

Reid Alexander is due to arrive end of June-ish/very early July-ish. We are planning a home waterbirth that will be attended by our midwife Eileen and our doula/chiropracter, Jess. I'm thrilled and excited and not in the least bit nervous or anxious about this birth, which is 100% different than the other two times I've done this!!!

I can't wait to see how Emma and Savannah interact with their baby brother. They are both so excited and spend a lot of time talking to and about baby Reidy. Emma was thrilled to have a dream about holding her baby bruhver and talks about it constantly.

This time around I'll be going to the chiro twice a week for adjustments, taking Omega 3's, and dehyrating, encapsulating, and ingesting the placenta - all to ward off the PPD that honestly almost took my life. I will do everything and anything to NOT go through that again.

So here's a new start...

Yep. I suck at blogging. I know this.

Just popping in to write that I'm about 10.5 weeks pregnant with #3 and this time we're having a HOMEBIRTH!!! We met the midwife last night and she is a dream come true!

Okay, I'm seriously thinking about just deleting this whole journal because I never write anymore. Life is just too hectic. But I'm thinking I might need an outlet in the coming months and truth be told I am still in love with the layout. :)

Fresh pics of the girls coming. Soon. Maybe.

Yesterday morning my Great Aunt Ann passed away. At 75 she was one of those put together, fiesty, classy women who never seemed to age. It still hasn't hit me yet that she's gone.
Tomorrow is the wake, Monday the funeral, and I dread seeing Uncle Bob and all of their children (they had 7, the oldest passed away last year). I especially dread the wake; open caskets do not sit well with me. I'd rather remember Annie Ann the way she was, not stiff and....oh god. I hate thinking about this.

Jared just got back from getting wine and beer, and now we're going to sit and relax and just be together.

I always have the best intentions of keeping up with this blog but life (and my own mind) always get in the way.

The girls are doing well, Jared has almost completed his first semester of school (he already has a bachelors, now going back from something different). And I....well, I'm here.

I continue to struggle with PPD but not nearly as bad as before. I don't have much more to say about myself. Lately I can't bear to write (or even think) much about myself and my hopes, dreams, etc. I'm just stuck in the mommy rut, feeling like I'm not a person, just the mommy with no life of her own. Sure, I have wonderful friends and a great family and I adore my children and husband but I'm hungry for my own life separate from being a mother and wife. I want so badly to begin doula work and eventually to go to midwifery school but I have to wait for Jared to be done with school and settled into his new career first. In the meanwhile the girls are so demanding; they fight, they scream at each other, and Emma is out of control. She knocks her sister down, she hits her, she kicks her. Today she pushed Savannah down so hard that Savvy knocked her poor little head on the kitchen floor and got an imprint of the run on her forehead and a huge bruise. And I'm ALWAYS RIGHT THERE next to the girls when this happens! I can't leave them alone for even a second because something will happen. I'm so touched out and stressed out from having them connected to my hip 24/7....I just want to scream!

Savannah still isn't sleeping through the night, and it's killing me. Thank god the girls are adorable and smart and funny, for their sakes.

I'm making it sound pretty bad, but really the girls are wonderful. It's just normal sibling rivalry but it's taking a toll on me. *sigh*

Okay, I've gotta run up and get Savannah who just woke up. So much for posting pics, huh?

Savannah took her first steps on Tuesday! Aunt Bre is home from the UK and was sleeping over and was so thankful to see Savvy walk (waddle) for the first time. She misses the kids so much when she's gone and it has been wonderful spending time with her again. I miss my baby sister. :(

***

There is so much on my mind and in my heart lately and for some reason I'm having a lot of difficulty in expressing it all here. I'm nervous about Jared starting school again and the pressure that will be on me to take care of the girls alone for 3 days a week. I'm worried that the stress will lead to a relapse into the depression, and I'm anxious to have the next 2 years over so that we can settle into a stable, normal routine again.
I have body issues that I haven't even begun to process stemming from the tearing I sustained after Savannah's birth. To make that worse, I have guilt over feeling upset about her birth because DUH! I got my VBAC and why should I be feeling bad about it?!? But when you tear so badly the way I did, I think it changes you. It's been months and months since I last threw up in the shower from touching myself there, but lately I've been shuddering while showering and feeling uncomfortable with my own body again. I wish Elaine had stitched me up better!

The rest of my thoughts will have to wait; Savannah is up and needs some mama milk. :)

On Sunday I was woken up by Savannah pulling my hair and smiling her big toothy grin, while Emma cheered a "Happy Mudder's Day!" from Jared's arms. The day was lovely, spent with my family at Mom's house. I gave my mom and sister one white carnation each in honor of the 100th anniversary of Mother's Day (founder Anna Jarvis believe that a white carnation signified the purity of a mother's love). We had a yummy dinner and huge chocolate cake then came home to put the babes in bed and then a MIRACLE happened! Jared and I sat down to watch Rendition and actually got through the entire movie without being interrupted once! And after that we had a little fun, married people style. *a-hem* =)

I'm trying to figure out how to post the video on here...hmm....