Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Had a nervous breakdown last night...or, whatever you want to call it. Mom and Dad came over to watch the girls, Jared came home from work. Things are bleak. People keep telling me to be happy that I have such a beautiful family...but they don't realize that I am happy. Happy has nothing to do with it. I'm also sleep deprived, anxious, and suffering from a serious mental illness. Being happy has nothing to do with this at all. Every day is full of happy moments with my girls, but is also increasingly filled with aniexty and panic attacks that are so strong that I can feel my mind cracking. That's the only way I can really describe what is happening; it feels as if I am cracking up. Like my mind is just cracking. I can't stand when people feel like they need to remind me of how lucky I am. Yes, I fully appreciate my girls and my husband, I really do. I don't need reminding. Everyone needs to accept that I am sick. Very seriously ill at this point. I realize it, and Jared does, and after last night my parents do too. What I need now is for everyone else in my life to get the memo...but none of this is their business, really. I tell who I feel like telling. Unfortunately, because a lot of people are clueless about how bad it is and what it feels like to be living through this, they say a lot of stupid things.

I had a serious breakdown last night, and it really scared all of us involved. Went to the doctor today who gave Jared's work a note to switch him immediately onto a daytime shift because I can't be left alone anymore.

I can't adequately express how bad I feel about all of this. I don't want to be such a needy person, I don't want my girls to have to deal with a sick, sad mommy, and I don't want to be going through this. But we are finally taking appropriate measures to fix this. I don't think either one of realized how bad the situation truly was until last night.

That's it for now. I'm going to rest now, sleep while the baby sleeps. Thanks for reading, whoever is out there.

Posted by Kier at 1:47 PM | 5 comments
Monday, September 17, 2007
Jared went back to work yesterday. My parents came over last night and took Em out for a bit, and a good friend Andrea came over tonight.

I cannot be alone in this. It helps immensely to have someone with me.

There have been times during this past month when I thougth that I would not make it through the next week, day, hour, minute, second. I have panic attacks daily, and on occaision I have had to step out of my mind just to find myself again.

This is terrifying. This is unfair. This is horrible and intense. This is PPD.

But I have hope that I will recover. I don't know how long this will take, but I'm going minute by minute here (day to day is too overwhelming). Tasks like dishes and cooking can save my sanity, organization is KEY. OCD is kicking in and I need to have everything just as I want it the minute I want it so.

My MIL is coming into town on Wed., god help me. I don't do well with company during these times, and fear that I will feel judged. We shall see.

In other news:
Savannah has been laughing and talking for about 2 weeks now, and tries to roll over! She loves her purple Bumbo seat (a purchase inspired by the lovely Janice!) and freaks out with joy when you hold a doll in front of her face (or anything with a face on it, really!). She is an immensely happy baby and smiles for everyone, especially her Daddy, Emma, and me.

And now it is time to wash up and bring her into bed with me. I love co-sleeping; it's too bad that Emma never liked to be in bed with us. I feel like she/we missed out.

Posted by Kier at 10:30 PM | 1 comments
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
PPD is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control and angry. I hate the urges to run out the door and never come back, to hurt myself, to shut myself in my room and hide. To get a head injury so that I might develop amnesia and forget my family and start over.

I hate the guilt I feel just for feeling those things. I hate myself. I hate that right now, as Savannah is crying to be fed, I am crying because I hate the feeling of her being on me every single hour (she's cluster feeding).

There are a million other things I hate; my weight, my anger, the world...but right now I have to go out of this room, smile, and be happy calm Mommy.

And that takes more strength than anything I've ever had to do in my life.

Posted by Kier at 8:17 PM | 3 comments