Babycakes

While I'm at the computer and making lists anyway, here's a note to myself about what we still need: (I think I'm trying to kick my butt into gear about getting out and getting some of this stuff knocked off the list!!!)

*Co-sleeper (I hate the bassinet)
*Cloth diapers (we never got around to getting enough. *grr*)
*Glider/ottoman (old one isn't wide enough for nursing)
*Lanisoh (spelling?); nipple soothing cream (can't remember which brand I liked better last time...will get a variety as needed)
*Nursing pads
*Nursing stool (some kind of something that I can put my feet on while nursing the babe)

I think that's it for big stuff. Of course, I'm going to need to stock up on diapers for Em and Savvy if we don't hurry and get some cloth soon - because there's nothing worse than running out of diapers.

While I'm at it, here's the hospital bag list: (everything in red needs to be bought)

*Receiving blanket & clothes for Savannah (packed already)
*Clothes for me:
*Nursing nightgown/ shirt (still need to find a comfy one that I'll be okay to wear in front of company!)
-underwear
-nursing bras
-socks
-some comfy pants (black drawstring, tan capris)
-maternity t-shirts (white, maroon & long-sleeved purple one)
*Toiletries:
-makeup
-hair brush
-travel stuff (toothpaste, soap, shampoo & conditioner, deod.)
-toothbrush (need to get a new one)
-hair rubber bands
-chapstick
*Miscellaneous:
-quarters & change for vending machines
-cell phone & charger
-digi cam, batteries & charger
-video cam
-phone numbers (if not in cell phone directory, put them in NOW!)
-picture of Emma (yes, I realize this one might make me upset at times because I'll be missing her so much, but I don't think I can make it without one)

I guess that's it. I know they have diapers and stuff at the hospital for Savvy, and with Emma we waaaay overpacked. So this is actually a very short list. If I need anything else, I'll have my mom bring it up.

Okay, enough with lists. I have to get this place clean! (So I'm nesting, sue me!)

Thankfully, Savannah has gone head-down again. According to the sono we had on Fri. she also has a full head of hair, just like her sister did!

I don't know why I haven't been posting lately. I guess my head is too noisy and I can't shuffle through the growing roar of worries and thoughts to pick out anything that would make much sense. I'm trying to focus on quieting these invasive "what if" thoughts and just invisioning a peaceful, happy birth and a quick recovery afterwards.

Yesterday we put the bassinet up again and Emma had a real breakdown. I held her baby doll and pretended to nurse it, burp it, swaddle it, and put it in the bassinet for a nap. Well, Miss Em was having NONE of that! She was really upset, crying and shaking the bassy and saying "No! No!" and trying to climb in. *sigh* It's going to be a bit of a circus around here for awhile, I'd say. She's showing signs of jealousy whenever I hold another child (we were at our friends house yesterday for a bbq and when I picked up her best friend Zellie, Emma had a fit) and even gets a bit upset when I play with her cousin Josh. We know that this time around will be different in so many ways, because we're not just bringing a baby home, we're bringing a new kid onto Emma's turf. I don't know how she'll handle it, but I know that my sweet girl will adjust eventually.

This post is so random, I might as well just keep on going with whatever thoughts flow.

I've been meaning to write something about a tragedy that has struck Sam, a friend of mine from online. Her darling son Kevin passed away last week (I don't know the cause of death, and that's not important right now anyway). I found myself huddled in front of the computer sobbing over pictures and a video of him that Sam posted on her journal, and praying that she's okay and that her other wonderful children are okay as well. I can't imagine...I don't want to imagine...and yet, when you're a mommy you can't help but imagine. What would I do if we lost our Emma or Savannah? Emma, my reason for living, the light of my life; we've had 18 months of joy with her and she is at the center of my every thought and action. And Savannah, this wonderful little Roo who was such a surprise; we have so much to learn about her, and she has so much potential and I can't wait to see who she is. My children, my girls...what on earth does a mommy and daddy do when their precious one has left them? Janice comes to mind, and her sweet Abby Angel. Janice and Sam and Kelly, a friend from elementary school who lost her son last year...mommies who should never have to face that kind of heartbreak.

These are the thoughts that swim in my mind when I can't sleep at night; that these amazing women have to live each moment with a piece of their heart forever gone. I can't imagine. I don't want to. And yet, because I am a mom, I can taste the fear and the sorrow in the back of my throat.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to pack the hospital bag a little more and make some lists of last-minute things to pack for our bag and for Emma's bag (she'll be staying with my parents). I wish I could just give birth here at home in a tub, but it's just not an option. Perhaps with the next babe it will be.

I seem to have run out of time.

A few days ago I felt the excruciating pain of something happening within me. At first I thought that I had gone into labor and completely skipped early contractions, going straight for the ones that make you writhe off the bed, unable to breath.

Then I realized that Savannah had turned a complete 180 within me in a matter of seconds. Oh god, she has gone breech. A trip to the midwife yesterday confirmed it. They had no real suggestions other than "visualize the baby being head down". Um...thanks, &*#!. I got more information from Dr. Google, thankfully. Stuff like:

*Rock on all fours
*Do downward facing dog (yoga)
*Place frozen peas on top of belly and heat on bottom to make stubborn baby turn towards the heat
*Shine flashlight at bottom of uterus so that baby moves that way
*Have hubby talk into an empty paper towel roll directly onto the lowest part of your belly (again, to make baby move her head down there).
*Play music to lowest part of belly

Of course, during my midwife appointment I immediately said "I'm calling the chiropracter in the area who specializes in the Webster Technique of getting babies to move head down". Midwife had no clue what I was talking about. Ummm...are you actually a midwife? Are you sure? Because midwives usually know all the alternatives to traditional prenatal care and medicine. And you, ma'am, have done nothing but tell me that NO doctor within a 500 mile radius would ever consider helping me birth this breech baby vaginally due to my history. Oh yeah, you also knew nothing about chiropractic care that could help Savannah and I. And you even managed to put in a dire warning that if the chiro tried to move the baby with an external version she needs to know that I have a cesarean scar. Uh...duh.

Needless to say, I followed my own mommy intuition and called the chiro as soon as I stepped foot into my mother's house yesterday (we went there right after the midwife appointment). Well, first I cried some very pitiful tears, but then I jumped on the phone and called a husband/wife team of chiro's who specialize in the Webster Technique. I got in to see Dr. Jessica today at noon, even though I've had a phobia of chiropracters all my life. I can't even stand it when Jared cracks his knuckles! I couldn't possibly believe that I would ever be able to let someone crack my spine!

And yet today, when I walked into the office (a converted house) I was completely at ease. The husband was outside planting flowers and mulching, the receptionist went to the same college that Jae and I did (we had mutual friends, turned out), and the doctor I saw was a smiling, bubbly mom with her 3 year old in tow.

She listened to my concerns, adjusted my back, neck, pelvis, hips, etc. all while her daughter came in and out. It was a lovely, homey atmosphere and I was totally at ease. In fact, I loved it! She said that it feels like the baby has ample room to move around, and that Savannah will be an "easy turn". The best thing about this Dr. Jessica? As she was massaging my belly she spoke to Savannah as if she was a person, not just a fetus (I hate, hate, hate that word!). No other health care practioner has ever done that for me or my baby, and it felt wonderful to hear her saying to Savannah "Come on, sweetheart, you want to move down, don't you? I'll help you out - such a good girl!". My heart melted. Someone else was understanding that this tiny creature inside of me is in fact a real baby with real feelings who can hear us!

I go back next week (tues/thurs) and continue every week until Savvy moves head down. I know that this work (this combined with all the work I'm doing on my own). We will have the birth we need. And we may just hire Dr. Jessica to be our doula. I'm that impressed with her.

Still pregnant, still here. 35 weeks today - can't believe this is almost over.

I love you, little Roo. Stay warm and safe in there for just a little while longer!