Babycakes

Earlier today I began to write about how much I was dreading going to my midwife appointment today because I didn't want to tell Nina that I was reconsidering a hospital birth. I knew she'd say that no one would do a homebirth for me because this is a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), and I was afraid that if I demanded a birthing center birth that she wouldn't be able to be my midwife anymore. Nina works for a husband/wife ob/gyn practice and only delivers in 2 area hospitals, contractually obligated not to work homebirths. I knew this going to my appointment, which is why I was so upset beforhand.

I had no idea that there was far worse news waiting for me at the office.

Nina is moving. Her husband is in the military and they will be moving back to Kentucky in July. She stops working in May - one month short of my EDD. When Nina came into the room today she asked me how I was doing and I replied, "We need to talk". Then I promptly burst into tears and told her that I couldn't face another hospital birth, that I couldn't go through another clinical, separated-from-my-child, 4 night stay in a public room. No way. That I was reconsidering...

...And that's when she said "I have something to tell you..." and went on to explain the when and why she was leaving. At this point I just couldn't stop the tears; in the two years that I've been with Nina she's become more than just a "doctor" figure - she's become a friend. I can't imagine birthing Savannah without her there. But she hasn't left me high and dry! She did research and found the best "midwifey-midwives", as she put it, in the area because she knows there's no way I'll stay with the husband/wife practice without her. I'll be calling them tomorrow to find out more about them (if they accept our insurance, if they do VBACs, etc.). I'm terrified to begin again with new midwives because Nina knows me and my history and my fears and my concerns...*tears*. The only good part of this is that Nina offered to be my doula for the birth, since she and her husband will most likely still be here! So whether she is officially my midwife or not, Nina might very well be there when I birth our second daughter. Hopefully this time she'll be encouraging me to push and not holding my hand while I'm strapped to a table.

One of the worst things about this switch is that the new midwives (2 in the practice) are located much farther away, downtown, and they only deliver at Children's Hospital. MFS, the hospital I was in with Emma, is only 10 minutes from my mom's house where Emma will be staying while I'm giving birth. I can't imagine being soooo far away from my baby. But as Nina remided me, because I WILL be having a vaginal birth this time I can leave earlier than 24 hours after giving birth as long as I bring Savannah back for the blood test. Oh, God, please please let this go right.

*****
In other news, our toilet is broken, our phone is on the brink, and we have to be out of the house all day long tomorrow while various things are fixed. What I would give just to have a peaceful day of sleeping in tomorrow. *sigh*