Babycakes

I thought that I was doing alright with the information that Nina won't be caring for me during this pregnancy. I really thought I had a handle on it. But today was a very hard day of doubting myself and my body and my ability to birth this babe vaginally, and bad memories of Emma's birth and our hospital stay.

I spoke with one of the new midwives (2 in the practice) yesterday and it turns out I need clearance to try for a VBAC in order to be a patient of theirs. *Sigh*. I made an appointment with one of the ob/gyns at my current practice for today but cancelled last minute. Yesterday was emotionally draining for a few different reasons and I just didn't feel up to having an internal plus talking about everything that happened during Emma's birth with some strange man.

Just this evening it really dawned on me that Nina won't be my midwife. For some people this is no big deal; they have an ob/gyn who comes last minute to the hospital anyway and they never really get to know the doctor in the first place. But I know Nina; I know her little quirks well enough to know when she's worried about something or when something isn't right, and she knows me well enough to be able to calm my fears. I am absolutely terrified of having a repeat cesarean, plus being away from Emma and now being even farther (the new midwives deliver at a hospital that is about 40-45 minutes away from my mom's house, as opposed to the 10 minute drive to the hospital I would have delivered at again if I could have stayed with Nina).

*Ugh*. I'm just too tired and upset to think about this tonight. I'm going to console myself with the knowledge that my birthday is coming and with it comes a new sewing machine and probably some sewing tools/accessories, as well as a surprise from Jared that he's assured me I'll love. Hopefully I'll also get the breadmaker I've been drooling over (not for a birthday gift, but sometime relatively soon).

I had forgotten how emotional I get during pregnancy.