Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Thankfully, Savannah has gone head-down again. According to the sono we had on Fri. she also has a full head of hair, just like her sister did!

I don't know why I haven't been posting lately. I guess my head is too noisy and I can't shuffle through the growing roar of worries and thoughts to pick out anything that would make much sense. I'm trying to focus on quieting these invasive "what if" thoughts and just invisioning a peaceful, happy birth and a quick recovery afterwards.

Yesterday we put the bassinet up again and Emma had a real breakdown. I held her baby doll and pretended to nurse it, burp it, swaddle it, and put it in the bassinet for a nap. Well, Miss Em was having NONE of that! She was really upset, crying and shaking the bassy and saying "No! No!" and trying to climb in. *sigh* It's going to be a bit of a circus around here for awhile, I'd say. She's showing signs of jealousy whenever I hold another child (we were at our friends house yesterday for a bbq and when I picked up her best friend Zellie, Emma had a fit) and even gets a bit upset when I play with her cousin Josh. We know that this time around will be different in so many ways, because we're not just bringing a baby home, we're bringing a new kid onto Emma's turf. I don't know how she'll handle it, but I know that my sweet girl will adjust eventually.

This post is so random, I might as well just keep on going with whatever thoughts flow.

I've been meaning to write something about a tragedy that has struck Sam, a friend of mine from online. Her darling son Kevin passed away last week (I don't know the cause of death, and that's not important right now anyway). I found myself huddled in front of the computer sobbing over pictures and a video of him that Sam posted on her journal, and praying that she's okay and that her other wonderful children are okay as well. I can't imagine...I don't want to imagine...and yet, when you're a mommy you can't help but imagine. What would I do if we lost our Emma or Savannah? Emma, my reason for living, the light of my life; we've had 18 months of joy with her and she is at the center of my every thought and action. And Savannah, this wonderful little Roo who was such a surprise; we have so much to learn about her, and she has so much potential and I can't wait to see who she is. My children, my girls...what on earth does a mommy and daddy do when their precious one has left them? Janice comes to mind, and her sweet Abby Angel. Janice and Sam and Kelly, a friend from elementary school who lost her son last year...mommies who should never have to face that kind of heartbreak.

These are the thoughts that swim in my mind when I can't sleep at night; that these amazing women have to live each moment with a piece of their heart forever gone. I can't imagine. I don't want to. And yet, because I am a mom, I can taste the fear and the sorrow in the back of my throat.

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to pack the hospital bag a little more and make some lists of last-minute things to pack for our bag and for Emma's bag (she'll be staying with my parents). I wish I could just give birth here at home in a tub, but it's just not an option. Perhaps with the next babe it will be.

I seem to have run out of time.

Posted by Kier at 9:19 AM |


At 11:20 PM, Anonymous Sara said........
Good job little girl! You are making your Mommy so happy knowing you are faced in the RIGHT direction now!! Just stay there, okay?