Babycakes

This pregnancy has been much more difficult than my last. I tire more easily (running around after a toddler is killing my hips) and am having more frequent braxton hicks. I'm sleeping poorly and am an emotional basket case, often getting into arguments with my husband for no good reason. I cry constantly and lose my temper with Emma at night (mostly when she's cranky and ready for bed and I'm trying to run around to get everything ready for our bedtime routine by myself - this is the time when I really need help).

On top of it all are my constant worries about this labor and birth, and weather my rights and choices will be respected this time. Jared already knows that if I birth vaginally (which I WILL! I WILL!!) he is to scream "GET THE HELL OUT!!!" if anyone even attempts to come into our room while Savannah is being born (other than our midwife and nurse, of course). He knows that if I have to be cut open again, the doctor MUST BE YELLED AT to show ME the baby first - and Jae also knows to be standing right next to the nurse while she cleans Savvy up, so that he can make sure NOTHING is injected or slathered into her eyes (the hospital will allow this, but they'll be calling CPS to let them know. Whatever.). He knows to bring Savvy to me ASAP and help me nurse her while I am being stiched up, regardless of what ANYONE says. Because, really, this is our child, and we have final say in everything.

I can't sleep for worrying about all of this. All of this and more...

Like what will Emma be thinking and feeling when we are away from her overnight for the first time? Will my Mom be able to comfort her enough and get her to sleep? Will she be okay without us? How long will I have to stay in the hospital? (This time, I know my rights and know that I can check out with Savvy as soon as a pediatrician clears her).

My mind is never calm, never quiet these days. I need rest.