Babycakes

Tonight marks the first time I'm alone with the girls in the evening. My mom stayed long enough to hold Savannah while I rushed Emma through her bedtime routine and put her in her toddler bed, then I kissed mom goodbye and settled on the couch to nurse Savannah for what turned into an hour long marathon of sucking. I love those peaceful, uninterrupted nurse-athons!

Jared started his new shift at work today. From now on he'll work Sun, Mon, Tues & Wed, 2:30pm - 1am. Then he's off every Thurs, Fri & Sat!!! We are LOVING the prospect of three consecutive days to do whatever we please! We had the choice of what shift he wanted to bid for, and took this over the usual 5 days of work with one weekday off and one weekend day off (he previously was off Wed and Sat, which we hated). The days are very long and I'm still not sure how I'll manage with both kids for that long by myself, especially with the way Emma is acting lately. She screams her head off at every little thing, wants to do everything herself, and never wants anyone to touch her when she's upset. She jumps, climbs, runs into everything. She throws things and herself all over. In short, she's a toddler asserting her independence, nothing more or less than completely normal and expected. But the poor thing is also experiencing something...perhaps sibling rivalry? Whatever this phase is, it's really darn hard on both her and me. We'll get through this, but sometimes it seems impossible.

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Okay, here's the warning. Unless you want to read about my body afterchildbirth, stop here. Really. I need to rant about the lady parts for a minute. So if you're a guy...or, well, pretty much if you're not me or a midwife of if you've never experienced childbirth and don't want to hear the grisly truth, then do yourself a favor and stop reading. NOW.

I made the mistake of looking in the mirror very closely at the lady parts. Big mistake. I tore up, not down, and now my labia is kind of just hanging there, not connected on the top anymore. I guess Elaine (my midwife) couldn't stitch it back up where it belongs because she'd have to basically stitch it to the clit - ummm...impossible. I did some asking around and some research, and I think that if I ever want to get it fixed I'd have to have some kind of plastic surgery. Not that I'm thinking that far ahead, but I am a bit freaked.

Okay, I'm more than a bit freaked. I spent 10 minutes sobbing this morning about the state of things down there. Don't get me wrong; pushing Savannah out was THE most empowering, amazing thing I've ever done and I'm damn proud of myself. But really, let's just be honest here: no one can tear their genitals and NOT think "Oh my god, when will this look/feel normal again???". Jared swears up and down that it's okay, I'm gorgeous, he still wants me, and that if I want/need it, I can get everything fixed.

Not that I necessarily want it put back the way it was, mind you. Remember, the c-section with Emma took away my right and my ability to birth her naturally. Savannah's amazing birth wiped away all the pain from the c-section, and I kind of like having the physical marks of doing that.

Okay, end of rant. Just in time, too, as Savannah is waking up and seems ready to be changed/nursed/sung to/rocked back to sleep for the night.