Tuesday, September 04, 2007
PPD is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I hate this. I hate feeling so out of control and angry. I hate the urges to run out the door and never come back, to hurt myself, to shut myself in my room and hide. To get a head injury so that I might develop amnesia and forget my family and start over.

I hate the guilt I feel just for feeling those things. I hate myself. I hate that right now, as Savannah is crying to be fed, I am crying because I hate the feeling of her being on me every single hour (she's cluster feeding).

There are a million other things I hate; my weight, my anger, the world...but right now I have to go out of this room, smile, and be happy calm Mommy.

And that takes more strength than anything I've ever had to do in my life.

Posted by Kier at 8:17 PM |


At 1:51 AM, Blogger Frogmorest said........
Oh boy do I hear you... do I ever. (((hugs)))

At 11:12 PM, Blogger Sara said........
Oh sweetie . . . .

I am so sorry, dear. God, I remember that trapped-feeling I would get that would come over me like a cloud. I would do anything to get out of the house and then I would just drive around aimlessly and roll down the window so that the wind kept me awake and cry and cry and cry.

If there is anything I can do, please let me know. I am a great listener. And I will be out there hopefully this Fall or early winter, so maybe we can get the girls together then.

Also . . . . please don't think I am trying to butt into your private life when I say this, but just a thought . . . What is your situation with family helping you with the girls while your husband is working? I know you really love staying at home, but I also know you mentioned going back to school, etc. Do you think when your little one gets a little older that you would benefit by working a few days a week outside the house, even if for just part of the day? When I did finally go back to work many, many months after Ainsley was born, I felt . . . cleansed. It was probably truly only then that I felt the blues lift up from over me.

Not a solution, just what worked for me somewhat. I know you want to get to teaching eventually, but just wondering if doing something in the meantime would help.

At 12:55 PM, Blogger ccap said........
Oh my. I am aching for you. A total stranger to me and I am aching for you. I was so lucky not to have PPD but I do have wads of experience with prenatal depression that are ohsosimilar to yours. I wish there were something I could do for you.

P.S. Here through Babes in Blogland. We both have babes born in November '07.