Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Had a nervous breakdown last night...or, whatever you want to call it. Mom and Dad came over to watch the girls, Jared came home from work. Things are bleak. People keep telling me to be happy that I have such a beautiful family...but they don't realize that I am happy. Happy has nothing to do with it. I'm also sleep deprived, anxious, and suffering from a serious mental illness. Being happy has nothing to do with this at all. Every day is full of happy moments with my girls, but is also increasingly filled with aniexty and panic attacks that are so strong that I can feel my mind cracking. That's the only way I can really describe what is happening; it feels as if I am cracking up. Like my mind is just cracking. I can't stand when people feel like they need to remind me of how lucky I am. Yes, I fully appreciate my girls and my husband, I really do. I don't need reminding. Everyone needs to accept that I am sick. Very seriously ill at this point. I realize it, and Jared does, and after last night my parents do too. What I need now is for everyone else in my life to get the memo...but none of this is their business, really. I tell who I feel like telling. Unfortunately, because a lot of people are clueless about how bad it is and what it feels like to be living through this, they say a lot of stupid things.

I had a serious breakdown last night, and it really scared all of us involved. Went to the doctor today who gave Jared's work a note to switch him immediately onto a daytime shift because I can't be left alone anymore.

I can't adequately express how bad I feel about all of this. I don't want to be such a needy person, I don't want my girls to have to deal with a sick, sad mommy, and I don't want to be going through this. But we are finally taking appropriate measures to fix this. I don't think either one of realized how bad the situation truly was until last night.

That's it for now. I'm going to rest now, sleep while the baby sleeps. Thanks for reading, whoever is out there.

Posted by Kier at 1:47 PM |


At 8:30 PM, Blogger Sara said........
Oh, sweetie . . .

I wish there was something I could do from so far away. I can say I understand your emotions and situation and I hope you know that you are not alone.

I know it probably won't help because you have a such a great support system, but please let me know if you want to talk over the phone. I would be glad to email you my number, sweetie.

At 10:30 AM, Blogger KMB25 said........

I've been reading awhile now and not commenting because I didn't know what to say and didn't want to say the wrong thing...but I have been thinking about you and keeping you and your family in my prayers. I know that it's probably very inadequate, but if you need someone to talk to who will just listen, please feel free to call me too...I'll send you my number :)


At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said........
I'm reading, thinking of you often, and praying for you. I've never had serious PPD and I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I'm glad that you are getting help and I pray that you will come out of this dark place soon :-}



At 1:34 PM, Blogger Byron Family said........
You don't know me, but I wanted to offer some support. I had viscious PPD with my first daughter and was completely freaked about it happening with number two. Thanks to meds (an absolute necessity for me) the transition has gone pretty well (number 2 is 5 months old).

I had a pretty scary breakdown with number one that landed me in the hospital. I didn't end up checking in, but it was a horrific experience nonetheless. There really isn't anything that can be said to be of any comfort, because there's nothing comfortable about the way you are feeling. It's agony really. The only thing that is certain is that you will get through this, and in the end, you will give your girls an immeasurable gift: a woman who has struggled to love them. Don't get me wrong, it sucks on certain days, but the struggle makes the love you receive and give that much sweeter.

Stay strong.


At 9:27 PM, Anonymous Sara said........
Hi dear . . .

I just wanted to check in with you. It has been so long since you have posted and I know you are most likely just wrapped up in everything and are probably feeling much better. Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you!