Babycakes

Had a nervous breakdown last night...or, whatever you want to call it. Mom and Dad came over to watch the girls, Jared came home from work. Things are bleak. People keep telling me to be happy that I have such a beautiful family...but they don't realize that I am happy. Happy has nothing to do with it. I'm also sleep deprived, anxious, and suffering from a serious mental illness. Being happy has nothing to do with this at all. Every day is full of happy moments with my girls, but is also increasingly filled with aniexty and panic attacks that are so strong that I can feel my mind cracking. That's the only way I can really describe what is happening; it feels as if I am cracking up. Like my mind is just cracking. I can't stand when people feel like they need to remind me of how lucky I am. Yes, I fully appreciate my girls and my husband, I really do. I don't need reminding. Everyone needs to accept that I am sick. Very seriously ill at this point. I realize it, and Jared does, and after last night my parents do too. What I need now is for everyone else in my life to get the memo...but none of this is their business, really. I tell who I feel like telling. Unfortunately, because a lot of people are clueless about how bad it is and what it feels like to be living through this, they say a lot of stupid things.

I had a serious breakdown last night, and it really scared all of us involved. Went to the doctor today who gave Jared's work a note to switch him immediately onto a daytime shift because I can't be left alone anymore.

I can't adequately express how bad I feel about all of this. I don't want to be such a needy person, I don't want my girls to have to deal with a sick, sad mommy, and I don't want to be going through this. But we are finally taking appropriate measures to fix this. I don't think either one of realized how bad the situation truly was until last night.

That's it for now. I'm going to rest now, sleep while the baby sleeps. Thanks for reading, whoever is out there.