Babycakes

Last night while lying in bed with Jae I had a little hormonal breakdown. My neck hurt almost unbearably, my head was pounding, and none of the hypno*birthing relaxation techniques were working. In fact, the more my dear hubby tried to get me into a state of zen with his "5-4-3-2-1" method, the more anxious and uncomfortable I felt. Suddenly the idea of labor happening again so soon after Emma was born was more than I could handle. I even said to him "F*@% it! I want a damn epidural! Screw my natural, hypnocrap, screw the no meds!" (well, I said something like that while crying). That, for me, was a big breakdown. I didn't even want any meds last time when the pitocin was enough to make me think Freddy Kruger had found his way into my uterus and was tearing me apart. (No, really, that was the most vivid memory I have of contractions). Last night I just couldn't imagine going through that again so soon.

A lot of people I know would roll their eyes and say I'm crazy/naive/stupid/being a martyr for no reason. But I'm being honest when I say: There is nothing I wouldn't do to have a complete med-free, epidural-free, vaginal, hypno*birthing, homebirth. NOTHING. Homebirth is out of the question as Nina (midwife extraordinaire) only practices in hospitals. But all the rest sums up my greatest desire for this birth. The c-section was completely necessary for Emma's safety; the cord was wrapped around her shoulder and every time I contracted the blood flow was cut off and her heartrate dropped considerably. I hear it was a very scary time, but for some reason I was calmer during labor than I'd ever been in my entire life. Unfortunately, after we brought our healthy and beautiful little one home my disappointment at not having a vaginal birth grew until I could no longer handle it. Add that to the breastfeeding difficulties, the never-home-when-I-needed-him-hubby and the no help from family and I was a real mess. PP depression (PPD) settled in and ruined our lives for months until I got some help.

Now, looking back on all of that, I'm terrified of repeating the cycle. This time around I know that we'll succeed with breastfeeding because there's NO WAY it could possibly be more difficult with Bean than it was with Emma. And somehow we persisted and had a great bf-ing relationship for a year! If I'm showing signs of PPD I know what to do and who to call to get help ASAP.
But I have absolutely no control over how my labor and delivery will go. I'll fight tooth and nail to avoid being induced, I'll kill anyone who suggests an epidural if I didn't ask for one and I'll refuse to give up. But when it comes down to it, Nina and I have made a deal. No plans this time. No birth plans at all. No labor plans, no meds plans, no delivery plans. We'll go into this birth with a clean slate, no expectations and no negative thoughts. We'll use hyno*birthing and Jared and I will hire a doula (which is my #1 priority) to be in charge of pushing the nurses and staff to let us labor as we want to.

We'll see how it goes. I can't help but worry about all of this, but I'm trying to leave it up to nature. This, of course, does not go well at all with my natural control freak tendencies.